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LOVE 

IN 

HARNESS 



COMEDY IJSr THREE ACTS 



{From the Premh of AUnn Valabregm) 



AUGUSTIN DALY 



ORTrJTNALLY PRODUCED AT DaLY'S THEATRE, NOVEMBER 16, 1886 



1887 

PRIVATELr PKINTBD (AS MANUSCRIPT ONLY) 

FOR THE AUTHOR 




Class _iI4-&i£_; 
Book j/-^ B 
CotfyrightN"_L2^1 

COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT 



LOYE 

IN 

HAEN'ESS 



A COMEDY IR THEEE ACTS 



{From the French of AlMn VaM)regtce) 



AUGUSTIN DALY 






Originally Produced at Daly's Theatre, November' 16, 1886 



1887 

PRIVATELY PRINTED (AS MANUSCRIPT ONLY) 
FOR THE AUTHOR 






COPYBIGHT, 1886, BY 
AUGUSTIN DALY, 



'RINTING AND BOOKBINDINe COMPANY, 
NEW YORK. 



CAST OF THE ORIGINAL PRODUCTION, NOVEM- 
BER 16, 1886. 



MR. JEREMIAH JOBLOTS, who has happily married off two 

daughters and is despatching a third Mr. Charles Fisher 

MR. JULIUS NAGGITT, with a diary of matrimonial griev- 
ances Mr. James Lewis 

MR. FREDERICK URQUHART, with a single connubial com- 
plaint Mr. John Drew 

CHARLEY HOFFMAN, M.D., who is undeterred by every 

warning Mr. Otis Skinner 

JOHN SCHLAGG, Urquhart's valet Mr. William Gilbert 

KEYES, a piano-tuner Mr. Frederick Bond 



MRS. JULIANA JOBLOTS, a model mamma, with implicit 

confidence in her "Matrimonial Manual". .Mrs. G. H. Gilbert 

UNA URQUHART, a victim of jealousy and slave to the 

Manual Miss Ada Rehan 

RHODA NAGGITT, a victim of her own making, 

Miss Virginia Dreher 

JENNY JOBLOTS, a philosopher of nineteen Miss Lillian Hadlet 

MYRTILLA, incidental domestic on the scene of a domestic 

incident Miss Lizzie St. Quentin 

ANTOINETTE, Una's French maid and partner in a new Franco- 
German alliance Miss Jean Gordon 

SARAH, servant at Joblots' Miss Grace Filkins 

BEAUCIE By the Original 



ACT I. 

Morning Room at Joblots'.— The Harness Snaps and the Traces are 
Kicked Over. 



ACT II. 



Parlors at Urquhart's. — A Double Runaway and Complete Smash- 
up. 



ACT IIL 

Naggitt's Bachelor Flat. — The Old Harness is Mended and Another 
Set Ordered. 



SCENE— New York. TIME— Last Spring. 
*^* After the First Act the lapse of a fortnight is to be supposed. 



ACT I. 

Scene. ^/S'lY/i??^- and music-room at Johlots' residence on the am- 
nue. Piano in an alcove at hack, e. Fireplace at l., with 
window above it on l. 31ain entrance, l. c. Door at li. up 
stage and another down stage. Table down, l. 

Ketes, the piano-tuner, is discovered at the piano. His hat and 
umbrella are on a chair, c, near by. Saeah is dusting and re- 
placing ornaments on the cabinet at c. 

Keyes. [Tapping the keys to see if all are right.] All right. 
There ! You may hammer away again ! This last daughter has 
a heayy hand at her music. 

Sarah, [l.] She won't thump much longer in this house, 
she won't. 

Keyes. [^Coming forward after shutting the piano.] No? 
Why? 

Sarah. [Coming forward.] Going to be married in six 
weeks. 

Keyes. Miss Jenny going to be married, eh ? [Taking up 
his hat and umbrella from chair, c] What luck they have with 
theu' girls in this house — eh ? Two gone and the last going. 
[Exits, L.] 

Sarah, Did you know the others ? 

Keyes. Know 'em ! Why, I've tuned that piano for fifteen 
years. It has suffered that length of time to my certain knowl- 
edge. [Drojys in chair, c] I was always called in to put the 
instmment in order when the beaux began their visits. First 
there was Miss Rhoda^she's Mrs. Naggitt now. Never plays 
any more. I tune her up for a party now and then, but anyone 
can see she's glad to be rid of it. 

Sarah. They are all the same. 

Keyes. Then there was Miss Una. [Bises, gets, e.] What a 
pair of thorough-goers she and her husband are. No going-to- 
sleep-o'-nights in that house. It's a regular vortex, it is. 

Sarah. [Going up a little.] That's what I like. 



6 LOTE IN HARNESS. 

Keyes. Do you? And now I'm a-tuning the venerable once 
more for Miss Jenny. When did you say she was going off — 
in six weeks ? 

Sarah. Six weeks — at least as far as I could overhe — \Chechs 
herself.'] ascertain. 

Keyes. Exactly. 

Sarah. Sh ! Here she is. [Busies herself at bric-d-brac, and 
Keyes steps up stage as Jenny enters from k. door. She is quite a 
young girl, dressed in white, blue ribbon sash, etc.'] 

Jenny. Is everything all right now, Mr. Keyes ? 

Keyes. [ Crosses to her.] I think you'll find it in good order, 
miss. [She opens the piano and runs over the scale. Keyes listens 
approvingly with his hand to his ear.] 

Jenny. [Plays a scale.] Thank you. It's very nice. [Saeah 
taps Keyes on the shoulder and points to arch, l. c] 

Keyes. You are improving wonderfully. Wonderfully ! 

Jenny. Thank you. Good-morning ! 

Keyes. Good-morning ! [He steps out, l. c, embarrassed, after 
a nod to Saeah.] 

Jenny. Sarah ! [Buns over the scales.] Sarah ! Where's 
papa? 

Sarah. In the library, writing. He's been writing all the 
morning. 

Jenny. Then I'll play for him.. He loves to have me play 
for him. 

Sarah. Yes, miss. And he's going to lose you so soon. 

Jenny. Go along, Sarah. [Begins to play.] 

Sarah. Yes, miss. [Begins to dance off to the polka which 
Jenny plays, but Jenny breaks down and Saeah stops.. Jenny 
begins again, and Saeah recommences her dance, but as Jenny 
breaks doivn again in the same place Saeah stops and trudges off 
in disgust at e. u. door. Jenny tries once more and again breaks 
doion in the same place. She half turns on the piano-stool and 
faces front.] 

Jenny. It does seem as if I never could get music into my 
head or out of my fingers. Only papa loves so much to hear 
me play, I wouldn't practise a bit more. [She recommences 
the polka with the same break-down, and at this collapse Mr. 
JoBLOTS enters e. with his hands to his ears, papers in his grasp, 
and a pen in his mouth and spectacles on his head. He takes 
one or two turns up and down, with a look of distress, as Jenny 
begins once more, her head close doion to the music] 

Joblots. [Crosses to, l., table.] I'm sorry ; I declare I'm sorry 
that I ever allowed her to take lessons. [Sits at table, l., and 
puts his papei^s on it and tries to foot up a column of figures, 



LOVE IN HARNESS. 7 

but in vain. Then, aloud to Jenny.] My darling! Do try 
something else. 

Jenny. Oh ! is that you, papa ? Did you hear me playing 
for you ? 

Job. Ye — es. \She is going to begin again.] Jenny, dar- 
ling ! Never mind playing any more ! Come and give me a 
kiss. 

Jenny. Wait one moment. [Closes piano.] . 

Job. I don't want to fatigue you. \She runs and sits on his 
knee and kisses him.] What do you think I'm busy at now? 

Jenny. My v^^edding ! [Claps her hands.] 

Job. Yes, I've got to talk to young Hoffman's father to-day, 
and I'm drawing up an inventory of my little piggy-wiggy's 
little fortune. Just listen. [As he is about to read, Mrs. Job- 
lots enters, e.] Fifty shares B. & O., eighty Brooklyn water 
bonds, seventy-five 

Mrs. Joblots. [r.] Well, Jenny, your piano ! [Jenny turns, 
half towards her mother.] 

Job. Oh, Lord ! I thought I'd got it over for the day ! 

Jenny. I'm talking to papa. [Embraces him.] 

Job, I was giving her some needed explanations, and was 
about to impress on her that the Married Woman's Act gives a 
wife control of everything. 

Jenny, [c] Of her husband, too ? 

Job. Well, to the extent of preventing him from squander- 
ing her money ! 

Jenny. [A step towards Mrs. Joblots.] If there's any fear 
of that, why do you let me marry ? 

Mrs. J. We have the fullest confidence in young Dr. Hoff- 
man. Your father is simply taking precautions. 

Job. Your future husband belongs to an excellent family, 
and is worth a tidy little sum, and with your dowry 

Jenny. Besides what he makes at his profession 

Job. Doctor ! Yes ! His fees last year amounted to three 
hundred dollars. If the whooping-cough breaks out in your 
neighborhood you'll be millionnaires. 

Mrs. J. [Crosses, c] You're always joking, Jeremiah, dear. 

Job. [Eises.] Yes, dear. 

Jenny, [e.] Charley has a number of wealthy patients, 
papa. 

Job. Yes, only they are never sick. They are honorary pa- 
tients. Those that are sick are not wealthy. They are dead- 
heads. 

Jenny. But Charley told me 

Mrs. J. Don't "Charley" him so much, darling. Say 



8 LOVE IN HAEKESS. 

" Doctor Hoffman," or occasionally "Charles." It sounds bet- 
ter before people. [Grosses, e., sits. Joblots sits, l.] 

Jenny. Very well, mamma ! [To Joblots.] Well, papa, 
Doctor Charley — Charles, I mean — told me that he intends to 
become a specialist. He can charge double then. 

Job. [l.] But he'll get only half the work. No, no ; he'd 
better take his victims where he finds them. Let him cure 
everything. Don't be modest. 

Jenny. Oh, you're always joking, papa. 

Mrs. J. Yes. We'll see how you'll laugh six weeks from 
now — when she's married. 

Jenny. [JRunning to her.'] The fifteenth of May. 

Joh, [Gravely, with a sigh.] I wish it were six years off — 
or sixty. 

Jenny. [Pats his cheek.] I'll run in and see you every day. 

Job. [Gazing in reverie before him.] When I come home in 
the evening you won't be there. Who'll hand me my slippers, 
and cut all my books ? 

Mrs. J. [Sighing, same.] And what will I do without my 
lazy little girl to wake up with a kiss every morning ? 

Job. Who'll sugar my coffee and pour out my tea ? [Jenny 
ru7is over to him.] 

Mrs. Job. Who'll play the piano for us after dinner ? 

Job. [Changing.] Hml Well, that's not so much conse- 
quence. 

Mrs. J. [Bises.] Jeremiah, love, you're a heathen. 

Job. Yes, dear. [Eises — to Jenny.] Don't forget to take 
your piano with you. We will not have any further use for it 
— when you go. Your mother — thank goodness — doesn't play. 
[Crosses, c] You and your mother will never know what I 
have suffered from that instrument. 

Jenny, [l.] Oh, papa! 

Mrs. J. Jeremiah ! 

Job. I have had three daughters — and the scales — the four- 
hand pieces — the variations — [Sees them grave.] Are you an- 
gry? [Takeis each roitnd the waist] I take it all back — but 
run off and fix yourself a little. Doctor Hoffman w^ill be here 
presently. [Crosses, l. Jenny goes, e.] 

31rs. J. [Stopping her.] It will be your first interview, 
dear. 

Jenny, [r.] Why, I've seen him lots of times, ma. 

Mrs. J. It will be the first time you receive him alone — 
and out of our sight, darling. 

Jenny, [e.] It will seem so funny. He and you always did 
the talking. What shall I say to him ? 



LOVE IN HARNESS. 9 

Job. [l.] Hem ! Well, talk on indifferent topics. 

3Irs. J. Be simple and natural. Be yourself, and when- 
ever you find yourself in doubt as to what to say or do, 
consult this little book. [Takes a small volume out of her 
pocket. ~\ I told you I would look it up for you. I gave a copy 
to each of your sisters before they were maiTied, and they fol- 
lowed it implicitly, they always assui-ed me. 

Job. Oho ! Oh, yes ! " The Matrimonial Manual, or Hints 
to Hymen." [ U}^.] 

Mrs. J. [c] It provides for every emergency, 

Jenny. Oh ! do let me see it. 

Mrs. J. [Crossing, lays book on table, l.] No ; run and get 
ready. You'll find it here on the table. 

Jenny. Oh, what fun ! [Exits skipping, k. 1 e.] 

Job. The idea ! What's the use of that book? You and I 
were married without a "Matrimonial Manual," and every thing- 
went all right. 

Mrs. J, Times are different. You can't be too cautious 
nowadays. It is a most valuable guide to young girls in those 
trying situations which precede marriage. It was very useful 
to Ehoda and Una. 

Job. [Crosses, e.] That reminds me — ^I must send for Ehoda 
and give her a scolding. 

Mrs. J. For what ? 

Job. She doesn't give her poor husband a moment's peace. 

Mrs. J. It's his fault. He humors her too much. 

Job. That's a good fault. And yet she gives him no rest. 
She's a perfect despot ; not only compels him to obey her 
whims, but studies hard to thwart him in every particular, 

Mrs. J. What a contrast to poor Una and her tyrant. He 
prevents her receiving her fiiends, and won't let her go into 
society. That girl is perfectly wretched. / shall have a talk 
with him. [Crosses, e.] 

Job. Don't you meddle with it. You'll accomplish nothing, 
and your interference will be set down as another case of 
mother-in-law. [Shakes his head.] Ah, the trouble with both 
households is the want of a nursery. A home without children 
is a room without fire. You congeal ! it's perpetual winter ! 
Wait till we lose our Jenny, and you'll feel as if the blaze on our 
own hearth had gone out. I want grandchildren to warm me 
up in my old age. When we see the chubbies playing on our 
carpet, we'll forget oui' gray hairs. We'll always have one of 
them home with us — the one that bawls the loudest — to re- 
mind us of the first years of our own marriage — eh ? What say 
you, old helpmate ? Shan't we ? 



10 LOVE IN HAENESS. 

Mrs. J. Yes, dear. Well, let's hope for the best. But in 
these family quarrels it does seem to me as though Una and 
Ehoda haven't good sense. Why dispute continually with one's 
husband? Why? 

Job. Especially with such good husbands. 

Mrs. J. And such chums ! Almost like brothers. 

Job. Yes, dear ! and so prosperous ! [Sarah enters, l. c] 

Sarah. Please'm — Mr. — Mr. — [Forgets name.] Mr. — [With a 
burst.] Miss Jenny's young gentleman. [Joblots takes stage.] 

Mrs. J. [k.] [Severely.] Have you forgotten the doctor's 
name, Sarah? 

Sarah. Please'm — Doctor Charley • 

Mrs. J. What ? 

Sarah. I heard Miss Jenny call him 

Mrs. J. Show Dr. Hoffman in. 

Sarah. Yes'm. [Going, beating her breast to remember.] 
Dr. Hoffman, Dr. Hoffman, Dr. Hoffman. [Exit, l. c] 

Mrs. J. [Turning toward door, k.] That new girl is the 
hardest to break in we've had this winter. [Jenny enters, 

R. 1 E.] 

Jenny. Here I am, ma. 

Mrs. J. I was just about to send for you, 

Jenny. I saw him coming from the window. 

Job. [To Mrs. Joblots.] Come, my dear. 

Mrs. J. [Going up.] We'll leave you together. [Jenny 
gets, L.] 

Job. Be natural, 

Mrs. J. Be yourseK ! [They exeunt, r. arch.] 

Jenny. What shaU I do ? What shall I say ? Oh, dear ! 

Sarah. [Enters, l, c, announcing.] Dr. Hoffman ! 

Hoffman. [Enters, c. ; puts hat on chair, l. c] Good-morn- 
ing, Miss Jenny. [About to sit, recollects his hat, and puts it on 
table, L. Jenny, much embarrassed, bows, stammers, puts her hand 
to her throat. Sarah exits.] Are your mother and father quite 
well ? 

Jenny, [r,] Quite- — quite, thank you. [Aside.] He looks 
as if he didn't mind it a bit. 

Hoff. Jenny ! Dear Jenny ! Do you know, this is the very 
first time I have had you all alone by myself. Isn't it like be- 
ginning house-keeping? Let's commence our apprenticeship. 

Jenny. [Nervous.] Oh, yes — but — [^SiV^e.] I haven't had 
time to look at the Manual. [Crosses, l., edges to table, sits, 
and gets book, which she opens furtively, half turned aivay from 
Hoffman.] 

Hoff. [Hurt.] Why, Jenny — Jenny 



LOVE IN HARNESS. 11 

Jenny. Yes ! 

Hoff. [Severely.'] Do'you love me ? 

Jenny. \Aside.'\ I don't know whether I ought to tell him 
yet. I wonder if that's in the book. [Turns over the leaves 
aside.'] 

Hoff. [Affectionately.'] My darling, look at me ! 

Jenny. Will you have the goodness to open the piano ? 

Hoff. [Aside, astonished.] She wants to play the Swedish 
wedding march for me again. [Goes to piano.] 

Jenny. [Hastily turns over leaves and reads.] " First tUe-d- 
tete the day after marriage." [Speaks.] That isn't it ! [Turns 
hack leaves.'] Ah ! 

Hoff. Shall I open the top? 

Jenny. Open everything ! [Aside, reads.] " First tete-d-tete 
after engagement." [SiJeaks.] That's it! [Beads.] "The young 
lady should be exceedingly reserved." [Speaks.] I was afraid 
so. 

Hoff. [e.] [Advancing. 1 Now, darling. The ivories are 
awaiting the alabaster. 

Jenny. All right. You can shut the piano ! 

Hoff. [Aside.] She does'nt know what she's about. Little 
darling! She's nervous. [Goes back to piano.] 

Jenny. [Beading.] '^ And the young man should be affec- 
tionate " — [Speaks.] I knew that ought to be — [Beads.] "but not 
too demonstrative." 

Hoff. [At piano.] Shall I shut the top ? 

Jenny. [Bises.] Shut everything. [^sic^e.] I ought to 
read the whole chapter. 

Hoff. [After closing the piano.'] There! [Advances. She drops 
on sofa. He sits beside her. She moves off, still consulting book. 
He advances nearer to her.] You are not afraid of me ? 

Jenny. No. [Glances at book.] You may be affectionate. 

Hoff. Of course. [Shoves nearer to her.J 

Jenny. But not too demonstrative. 

Hoff. Ah! [Hause.] Do you remember our first meeting? 
You were going to the Park with your mother. I was on my 
way to see a patient with typhus. You brought me luck. I 
saved him. 

Jenny. I congratulate you — and him. 

^(>ff- [Warmly.] I loved you at first sight. [Seizes her 
hand.] 

Jenny. [Drawing it avjay.] Not too demonstrative. [Hises; 
crosses, l.] 

Hof. But I must show my love. [She crosses, l., and sits in 
a chair; he draws another chair and sits beside her, gradually get- 



12 LOVE IN HARNESS. 

ting nearer to her.^ Tell me about your girlhood — your sweet 
girlhood and your childhood — all about them. 

Jenny, What would you like to know about them ? 

Hoff. Were you ever sick ? What did you have ? 

Jenny. lAsideJ] His conversation is very technical. 

Hoff. I don't wish to lose a single detail of your early 
youth. We will live the past over again together. And the 
present it shall be my aim to make so delightful that it will 
charm us in turn when it too becomes the past. [^Smiling.'] 

Jenny. [Reading, aside.'] *' The most intelligent man will 
sometimes appear stupid at the first interview." 

Hoff. Why do you turn your head away ? 

Jenny. I was thinking. 

Hoff. [^Glose to her.] Let me see your lovely eyes ! Jenny, 
you are my ideal. Before I knew you, when I had dreams of 
the being who would some day be my wife, it was your image 
I beheld, it was your heart which beat in her bosom. 

Jenny. [Aside.] He's doing better. 

Hoff. How lovely you are to me ! [Takes her hand.] 

Jenny. [Aside, rising.] He's getting on too fast. [Aloud.] 
Not too demonstrative, Charles, please. 

Hoff. [Retaining her hand in spite of a feeble struggle.] I 
can't help it, Jenny — I adore you. 

Jenny. [Grosses, k.] But I'm sure you shouldn't go so far, 
so fast. Listen. 

Hoff. Why ? 

Jenny. [Reads from Manual.] "The young gentleman is 
likely to be somewhat reserved at the first interview alone, 
out of consideration for the delicacy of the young lady's feel- 
ings. Yet a certain degree of emotion is permissible. But his 
glances alone should express his ardor, until the marriage cere- 
mony makes her his own. See Note 1." [Speaks and explains 
to him.] Note I : that means there's a note at the end of the 
book containing fuller details. [Turns to the last page and 
7'eads.'] "Note 1. — For engagement and wedding presents, 
go to Johnston Brothers, Canal, corner Greene. Presents from 
one dollar up." 

Hoff. That seems to be a very useful book. [Bends forward 
to look over the hook, his hands clasped le::Lnd him; rises, and 
points to the passage.] 

Jenny. [Reads from the cover.} It's called "Hints to 
Hymen ; or, the Woman's Matrimonial Manual — Every Couple 
their own Guide, Philosopher, and Friend." [Looks up.] It 
tells you everything. 

Hoff. Especially what shops to patronize. 



LOVE IN HARNESS. 13 

Jenny. Let's look through it. [^Tums pages and reads.'] 
"Part First — Engagement. [He edges close to her.] Part 
Second — Marriage. [He puts his arm around her waist.] Part 
Third — Widowhood. [He drops his arm.] Part Fourth — 
Second MaiTiages." [He turns away.] Nice, isn't it? Pro- 
vides for everything. 

Hoff. Immense ! Wish I had one. Does it say when a chap 
can have a kiss ? 

Jenny. [Without looking at the book.] Once when he comes 
to see her, and once when he is going. 

Hoff. By Jove ! I've been cheated. You must give me that 
one for coming. 

Jenny. Oh, no — I mustn't — you. [He kisses her^ and is about 
to repeat it.] Once ! [She puts her hand up) between his face 
and her own. He draws her hand down and kisses it] 

Hoff. Couldn't you advance me a week's allowance ? 

Jenny. The idea ! TMiat would we have to-morrow ? 

Hoff. Don't let's borrow trouble. Providence will provide 
for to-morrow. [Kisses her. Mrs. Joblots enters, e. arch, and 
surprises them.] 

Mrs. Joblots. Jenny! [Hoffman pw/s Jenny ^o l.] Once on 
coming and once on going. 

Hoff. This is the one on going. [Puts chair up a little.] 
See, mamma, I am going now. [Aside to Jenny.] And in fifteen 
minutes one for returning. [Goes up to Mes. Joblots.] I hope 
you are quite well. [To Joblots, who enters, k. arch.] And you, 
sii'? [Fumbles with his handkerchief quite nervously.] Good- 
morning, sir. Good-moming, IMrs. Joblots. Good-morning, 
Miss Jenny. I'll be back presently. [Exits, l. c, putting his 
handkerchief on his head and trying to put his hat in his pocket.] 

Job. Well, daughter? Are you stiU glad that I gave my 
consent ? 

Jenny, [l.] Yes, papa. But I've had enough of the Manual. 
It's stuff. [Crosses, c] I can get on just as well without it. 

Job. What did the doctor have to say to you ? 

Jenny. He kissed me. 

Mrs. J. [e.] Is that all you remember ? 

Sarah. _ [Enters hurriedly, l. c] If you please, 'm. Miss Una's 
here. 

Mrs. J. [Crosses to her.] Miss— who? 

Sarah. Beg pardon, 'm. IMrs. Urquhart. She's in the hall. 

Job. [Coolly.] Well, why doesn't she come up ? 

Sarah. She told me to see if anybody was with you, because 
she's been crying. 

Mrs. J. My daughter crying ! 



14 LOVE IN HAENESS. 

Sarah. She's brought a lot of trunks and baggage, 'm. 

Job. Trunks and baggage ! 

Mrs. J. [Impatiently.'] Tell her to come up. [Crosses to 
Jenny. Sarah exits ^ l. c] 

Job. What can it mean? [Una enters, l. c, leading a little 
dog. Antoinette, her French maid, follows with bird-cage and 
satchel.'] 

Una, [Suffocated with tears.'] Good-moming, mamma ! [Kisses 
her.] Good -morning, papa ! [Kisses him ^ Good-morning, 
Jenny. Oh ! oh ! oh ! [Sits, and her tears redouble. All 
gather round her. Antoinette stands at back of her chair.] 

Mrs. J. What has happened, child ? 

Sarah. [Enters, l. c] What shall I do with the baggage? 

Job. Don't bother us. 

Una. [Through her tears.] Antoinette ! 

Antoinette. Oui, madame. 

Una. Take care of Beaucie. He's all that's left me now except 
papa and mamma. [Antoinette hands cage to Sarah, who exits, 
L. c, with it, and picks up the dog and stands behi?id her mistress.] 

Job. Calm yourself, dear — calm yourself. 

Una. [Her voice choked with tears.] Papa, I've come home 
again ! For good ! 

Job. [Turning to look at her.] Come home again ! For good ! 

Mrs. J. [r. c] Another quarrel with your husband ? 

Una. [Between sobs.] It's nothing at all. Papa, you know 
what a sweet disposition I have, but life with that man is no 
longer possible. So I have left him forever. 

Job. And you call that nothing at all ? 

Jenny. Why, Fred seemed to adore you. 

Mrs. J. [Turning to Jenny.] You had better order some 
tea for your sister instead of standing there with your mouth 
and ears open. Don't you see how weak and agitated she is ? 
[Crosses, r. Sits on sofa.] 

Jenny. I'll get some right away. [Going.] 

Job. [Calling after her.] Get three cups, Jenny. Tour 
mother and I are equally agitated. [Jenny exits, r. u. e.] 
Now, then [To Una], what is it all about ? 

Una. [To Joblots, through sobs.] Papa, look at me ; you 
see before you the most miserable creature in the whole world. 

Job. You astonish me. But all you women say the same 
thing. 

Una. [c] Frederick doesn't understand me. 

Job. [l.] Perhaps you express yourself badly. 

Una. 1 knew how it would be. Love-matches always end 
this way. 



LOVE IN HARNESS. 15 

Mrs. J. [r.] [ToJoblots.] They've had another quarrel. I 
was sure of it. 

Una. A quarrel ? That doesn't begin to express it. I don't 
know what to call it. We were invited last night to the Patri- 
arch's Ball. I had ordered a most exquisite costume. Oh, 
such a gown ! A robe of delicate blue velvet, with white lace. 
The waist d la merge of trimmed velvet biassed, like this 
[shows vyith her handkerchief \ with a garland of tea-roses. 
The skirt all lace on one side, the train of velvet, and looped 
up. [JoBLOTS turns away, face to table, bewildered.^ In front a 
medallion of pearls, surrounded by Spanish point, dotted 
round like butterfly-wings. Can't you see the whole thing, 
mamma? It was just lovely. [Joblots turns to face her, throws 
himself back in his chair, his legs stretched, scratching his head.] 

Mrs. J. Perfectly, my dear ! Perfectly. 

Una. [Perceiving Joblots scratching his head and making a 
grimace.] Now, look at papa. He acts as if he didn't under- 
stand a word Fm saying. [Petulantly.] It isn't worth while 
taking the trouble 

Job. [Soothingly.] Don't say that, daughter — don't say that. 

Una. [Sits, c] Well, Frederick came home, and, would you 
believe it ? — he had forgotten all about the ball. 

Ant. [Advancing, l, c] It is ze jiaked, barefaced truth. 
Oui, madame is not exaggerate one bit at all. 

Una. Antoinette ! [Antoinette goes back.] Hold your 
tongue ! At ten o'clock, the time for dressing, he said to me : 
" Una, suppose we don't go to this ball ? " 

Job. 1 can understand that. 

Una. I simply said : " You must be crazy ! There's my 
dress." " Wear it somewhere next week," he said. " But it 
may be copied all over by that time." " Never mind. Give up 
this ball. Make a sacrifice for my sake," he said. You must 
know that every other word in my gentleman's mouth is sacri- 
fice. Make some sacrifice for me ! I refused. He insisted. I 
held my own. 

Job. [Calmly.] And he gave in ? 

Una. [To Joblots.] I should say so. But wait. We went to 
the ball. Then he commenced. After two o'clock, it was every 
other minute : " Una, shall we go home ? " The instant a part- 
ner in a waltz brought me back to my seat : " Una, shall we go 
home ? " Finally, to obKge him, we went home. It was only 
six o'clock when we left the ball-room. 

Job. You went home at six o'clock to oblige him ? Poor 
fellow ! 

Una, [Starts up,] Perhaps you think that's aU ? 



16 LOVE IN HARNESS. 

Job. I hope so — for his sake. 

Una. In the carriage — a scene. I made no answer. Arrived 
at home — a scene. I made no answer. This morning — another 
scene, in the course of which he threw up the window, pitched 
my beautiful dress away, and then flung himself out 

Job. and Mrs. J. [Half rising.'] Flung himself out? 

Una. — Out of the door. 

Job. and Mrs J, [Helieved, and reseating.] Oh ! 

Mrs. J, I thought you meant he threw himself out of the 
window ! 

Una. No. He contented himself with throwing my dress 
out. Actually threw it out of the window. [ Getting near Job- 
lots.] 

' Ant. [Down, e. c] I saw it wiz my own eyes. It is ze bare- 
faced truth. 

Una. Antoinette, hold your tongue ! [Antoinette goes 
back.] 

Job. [Bising.] It's a mere lover's quarrel. It'U blow over. 
[Crosses to Mrs. Joblots, who rises.] 

Una. Blow over ! You don't know me, papa, if you say 
that. Everything is over between Fred and me forever. I 
have made a solemn resolution. 

Mrs. J. [Nodding ^o Joblots.] Your father will see to it by- 
and-by. 

Job. [ Winking at her.] Yes, my dear. 

Una. [l.] You know how good-tempered I invariably am. 
Well, this time I feel fully aroused. I will not go back to that 
brute again. 

Mrs. J. [Crosses to meet her.] Come, my dear ; you need a 
rest. 

Una. Antoinette, another handker'chief. [Fumbles in her 
pocket for one, while she hands the first to her maid.] Oh, mamma 
— mamma ! I feel so wretched. [Takes handkerchief and Manual 
from the satchel which Antoinette carries.] There's your Man- 
ual. It isn't a bit of good. [Joblots, convulsed with laughter^ 
drops on sofa.] 

Mrs. J. My dear, it tells you how to curb your temper. 

Una. But it does'nt tell you how to curb your husband^s 
temper — [Crosses, c], and that's the main point. 

3Irs. J. I'm sure, if you followed its instructions 

Una. [e. c] Followed its instructions ! [Seizing book and 
turning over pages rapidly.] Listen to this, papa : [i?eac?s.] *'No 
matter how you find your husband, always meet him with a 
smile." [Speaks.] Did you ever try that? Easy, isn't it? 
[Turns over more pages, and then to Mes. Joblots.] "To hus- 



LOVE IN HAENESS. 17 

bands : Whatever you find your wife's mood to be advance to her 
frankly, and greet her with a smile." [Speaks.] Imagine two 
people as mad as fury — [Clinching her fingers.] and grinning — 
[Illustrates it.\ at each other ! [Throws book on the ground.] I 
shall never smile again. [Hysterically.] That man has broken 
my heart. [Sobbing.] 

Mrs. J. Come, my dear, and rest awhile. [Taking her arm 
and leadiyig her up stage.] 

Una. Mamma ! Papa ! [Sobbing as she goes up.] He has 
wrecked my w^hole life. [Turning suddenly.] "Where is my 
poor little Beaucie ? [Seeing him safe in Antoinette's arms, re- 
sumes her sobs.] He is my only comfort. [Exit, r. arch, with 
Mrs. Joblots, followed by Antoinette and the dog.] 

Job. [Sees the Manual on the floor, picks it up and flings it on 
the table.] Hang the Manual ! That book's responsible for all 
the trouble. But it'll all come right. A few days' absence will 
heal the wound. [Gets, l.] 

Sarah. [Enters, l. c, announces.] Mr. and Mrs. Naggitt. 
[Julius and Bhoda enter arm in arm, l. o. She quite smiling, he 
very stiff. Sarah exits, l. c] 

Rho. Good-morning, papa ! 

Job. W^hy, good-morning, daughter ! Good-morning, Jul- 



ius 



Julius. [Brings Bhoda forward to a chair, seeing her seated 
politely, then, in the coldest possible tone.] Good-morning, sir ! 
[Rhoda ceases smiling and looks at him.] 

Job. We have just heard nice things about your brother-in- 
law, Urquhart. [To Rhoda.] Una has just arrived in tears. 

Jul. Never mind all that for the present, if you please. 
Has Mrs. Joblots gone out ? 

Job. [Astonished.] No ! [ Continues from this to stare at 
Julius in dumb amazement.] 

Jul. Will you have the extreme kindness to inform her of 
my presence ? [Joblots rings bell. Sarah enters, l. c] 

Job. Ask your mistress to step here. [Sarah exits, r. arch.] 

Eho. What is the matter, darling? 

Jul. You will find out soon enough, sweetest. 

Mrs. Joblots. [Re-entering with Sarah, r. arch.] Ah ! Julius 
and Rhoda ! You are just in time. Only think — poor Una ! 

Jul. [Pushing chair forward for Rhoda.] Will you kindly 
be seated, madam? [Mrs. Joblots looks at him, wondering.] 
Take a chair. [Pause.] Please! [Sarah e^iYs, l. c] 

Mrs. J. [As she crosses, r., amazed.] What in the name of 

Job. Yes — that's what I want to know — what in the name 
of 



18 LOVE IN HAENESS. 

Jul. Madam ! Sir ! \The old couple look from one to the 
other iyi amazement^] 

Mrs. J"., Job., Rho. Well, I [Half ridng.'] 

Jul. [Silencing them with a gesture.] If you please — [They 
drop into seats simultaneously. He continues.] it is now some 
eighteen months since I had the eccentric idea of asking you 
for the hand of your daughter 

Mrs. J. [Half rising.] Julius, this- 



Jul. I beg you will let me continue. Your daughter — [Looks 
at her.] had then the appearance of extreme fragility and deli- 
cacy. But it was merely an appearance. She possessed then, 
and now possesses in a tenfold degree, since she has acquired 
her present robustness, a capacity for taking her own part 
equalled by few and excelled by none of her sex. 

Hho. [With an appealing gesture to Mr. andMn^. Joblots.] I 
assure you I don't know what it's all about. He asked me to 
come here in the pleasantest manner, and now he breaks out in 
this way. 

Jul. [l. c, Curling the ends of his mustache.] She was 
lovely then. She is lovely now. I don't deny it. 

Job. Come to the point, sir. 

Jul. I am coming to the point. Your daughter was a model 
young lady — as a young lady — bright, sociable, affectionate, and 
natural. 

Mrs. J. [Aside.] She followed the Manual. 

Jul. But when she became Mrs. Julius Naggitt, she van- 
ished. The vanishing lady wasn't a circumstance to her. 
Where had the gentle, sociable, and affectionate creature gone ? 

Rho. [Starts up snappishly.] She had gone with you ; that's 
what changed her. 

Jid. Have I exaggerated ? How is that for vinegar ? [Ehoda 
seats herself with an angry look at him.] I J&nd — instead of the 
gentle, sociable, and affectionate young girl — an acrid, bitter, 
imperious woman, who has set out to make me miserable for 
life. I won't attempt to detail my sufferings, but I ask you if 
I don't deserve a better fate. Am I, or am I not, the kindest, 
gentlest, quietest, best fellow in the world — [All give him a 
wondering look.] bar none. [All turn away.] Well, she takes 
pleasure in thwarting my every wish. If I propose going out, 
she wants to stay at home. If she finds me set on a quiet even- 
ing at home, she insists on going out. If I won't go, she goes 
without me. If I form one opinion, she embraces another. 
[To Joblots.] You don't know what it is, my dear sir — a wife who 
contradicts you incessantly. I've tried everything — firmness, 
gentleness, entreaties, threats. I even consulted a doctor. He 



LOVE IN HAENESS. 19 

advised cruelty — [All start up. "Mrs. Joblots embraces Rhoda, 
who rises.} in small doses. He's a homoeopath. 

Mrs. J. [Bises.] Cruelty ! 

Jul [Producing a diary.'] This day-book, in which I have 
registered my charges against her, will tell you the whole story. 
I can't — its too long. [Opens hook.] 

Job. Do take off your hat. 

Jul. [Not heeding him.] I'll open any page haphazard. 
Listen to this. [Reads]. " Febmary 8th— a row because I said 
the first woman ruined the first man, and its been that way ever 
since." 

Job. But why did you say so ? 

Jul. [Not heeding, reads.] " February 12th — cold veal for 
breakfast." 

Mrs. J. [e., To Rhoda.] Why didn't you have it minced ? 

Bho. [Calmly.] He won't eat hash. 

Jul. [Beads.] " I express my aversion to cold veal. I don't 
eat it. I won't eat it ! February 14th, Valentine's Day — cold 
veal; out of spite I don't eat it. 15th, 16th, 17th — Cold veal. 
I proceed to violence." [All start.] "I send it down and 
order it to be warmed." 

Bho. Enough, sir. What do you expect to make by all 
this ? What are you driving at ? 

Jul. [Offers booh to Joblots.] I intrust these notes to you. 
After you have read them I intend to have them published, 
without names, of course — [Rhoda gets to Mrs. Joblots.] as a 
warning to all my friends who are contemplating matrimony. 
They shan't go it blind at all events. 

Bho. Well, is that all? 

Jul. [Politely.] No. [To Me. a?2^MEs. Joblots.] I have long 
thought over a way to end this thing. At one time I contem- 
plated the Brooklyn Bridge. But upon calmer reflections I 
adopted a plan with fewer inconveniences. I give you back 
your daughter. 

Bho. What! ) 

Mrs. J. What do you mean ? >- [Nearly together.] 

Job. Julius, my son ) 

Jul. Don't — don't recall that bitter relationship. Let us be 
friends, not enemies. 

Mrs. J. [Crosses to him.] You can't do such a thing. 

Jul. Who will prevent me ? 

Bho. [e.] The law, sir, for one thing. 

Jul. [Crosses to her.] Do you know of any law which for- 
bids my starting at this moment for parts unknown and re- 
maining away for the next fifty years ? 



20 LOVE IN HAENESS. 

Bho. There must be, and I'll find it. [Stage, e.] 

Jul. Do. [To others, politely.'] I wish you a very good- 
morning. [Looks around for his haf] Where is my hat? 

Eho. This is too much ! 

Mrs. J. Are you actually unconscious that you have been 
standing in this room with your hat on ever since you entered 
it? 

Jul. [Takes it off.] I beg ten thousand pardons. [To Rho- 
BA.] I'll have your trunks sent around at once. 

Job. More baggage ! They make my house a railway depot. 
[Stage, l.] 

Bho. Depend upon it, I make you pay for this. 

Jul. Excuse me ! No, I shall pay for nothing from this 
time out. The bank is closed. [Buttons his pockets.] The bank 
is closed, and the cashier has evaporated. Ta ! ta ! [Exits, l. c] 

Job. [As each looks at the other.] Well, upon my word ! It's 
unheard of. [Seated, l.] 

Jenny. [Buns in b. 1 door.] What's the matter? [Crosses to 

JOBLOTS.j 

Job. [Bises.] My dear, make four cups of tea. 

Jenny. All right. [Exits k. u. d.] 

Mrs. J, [Crosses to Rhoda.] You are altogether in the 
wrong ! Isn't she, Jeremiah ? [Rhoda flounces up stage.] 

Job. Yes, dear. [Mrs. Joblots gets, r.] 

Una. [Enters r. u. d.] Rhoda, you here ? [lb others.] What 
has happened ? 

Job. [Advancing.] Julius has brought her back. You may 
shake hands. Her husband wants no more of her. [Rhoda 
goes up.] You want no more of yours. [Crossing to Una,] It's 
the same thing arrived at in different ways. 

Mrs. J. [r.] a wife owes her husband respect and obe- 
dience. Julius is not at all bad, as men go. Why exasperate 
the man, anyway ? 

Bho. You say this, mamma, you ? 

Mrs. J. Why not? 

Bho. Why ? Because I was applying your system. 

3Irs. J. My system ! [Picks up 3Ianual from the table and 
offers it to her.] Show it to me in the Manual. 

Bho. [Crosses, r., takes book and throws it away.] It wasn't 
your Manual, it was yourself. 

Mrs. J. I ! 

Bho. Yes. Haven't you always led papa by the nose? 
[JoBLOTS holds his nose and drops into a chair overcome 
with laughter, his hack to the others. Mrs. Joblots looks at 
him and the others in open-mouthed wonder.] 



LOVE IN HARNESS. 21 

Mrs. J. Child ! 

U7ia. [l. c, Crosses to her father.'] Yes, papa. You 
always did what mamma told you. I never saw you show a 
will of your own. [Joblots turns to face her squarely.'] " Yes, 
dear," that's all you ever had to say. " We won't do so and 
so." "Yes, dear." "We'll go here and there." "Yes, dear." 
"Mr. Urquhart will make an excellent husband for Una." 
"Yes, dear;" and that's where you made the greatest mistake 
of your life. Always "Yes, dear," and yet you've always been 
happy. How were we to know that other men were different ? 

Rho. [e. c] That's so. And I said to myself. Mamma's 
system is the true secret of married happiness, and her system 
was to have everything her own way in everything. [ Up stage 
with Una.] 

Job. [Meets Mks. Joblots, c, laughing.^ By Jove ! it's 
the truth, my dear, though I never realized it before. What 
do you say ? It seems to me I always did do as you told me. 

3Irs. J. Because I always asked you to do what your own 
good sense approved in every case. \To Rhoda,] But you 
merely tried your husband's patience to show off your authority. 

Job, You didn't make him happy. 

Una. It's a husband's duty to be happy. 

Mrs. J. [ Crossing to Una.] Una, mind your own affairs. 
I'm speaking to your sister. But you, neither of you, even 
understood my system. It can only be applied by husbands 
and wives who love each other — better than themselves. 

Job. [r. c] Without that, no system will do anything. 

Rho. [e.] Well, I confess I never looked at it from that 
point of view. 

Job. \Crosses to her^ Mndly taking her hand.] Then go 
back home and tell your husband so. 

Rho. I ? Never ! Acknowledge myself in the wrong ? 
He would gloat over it. He would take every advantage. 

Una. [l.] That he would. Don't you do it ! 

Job. [Crosses to Una.] Una ! You see, my dear — [To Mes. 
Joblots.] the trouble is that, tvhen young people promise at the 
altar nowadays to love each other they don't mean it. They 
mean to have a fine home, fine company, to have all they want, 
to get all they can, and to give nothing. They have too much — 
there's no room for love. Ah ! when we married we had no 
horse and carriage, no furniture a la Louis quatorze, no bric- 
a-brac, no peach-blow, except that on your cheek, [Fats her 
cheek.] no curios worth twelve thousand dollars, no dresses 
worth twelve hundred, no dinners at fifty dollars a head. We'd 
have thought it a sin. [ Up stage a little and down, e.] 



22 LOVE IN IIAKNESS. 

Mrs. J. [ Crosses to Una.] Your father is right. 

Job. Yes, dear. 

Una. But, mamma, times have changed. 

Job. Not for the better. Look at your mother. When she 
married she could read, write, and cipher Hke a man. Her 
only weakness was her spelling. She did make mistakes some- 
times. She does so still. 

3frs. J. [l. c] Not as many as I used to. 

Job. No, dear. But what she did understand was the 
orthography of the heart. \_Arm round her tvaist.] 

Mrs. J. Thank you, dear. 

Job. These girls speak French. But can they wash a baby ? 

Tina. That's the nurse's business. 

Job. \Crosses to Una.] Your mother nursed all three of 
you. 

Una. Mother is stronger than I. 

Job. [2bMES. JoBLOTS.] You've brought them up wrong. We 
have social queens instead of women, wives, and mothers. 
Tm to blame, too. As they grew up I was too vain of them. I 
sat open-mouthed while they talked to me like an encyclopaedia 
all about the women of the eighteenth century. But what does 
it all amount to, when they can't Hve happily with a nineteenth- 
century man? [Crosses, r.]" Love your husband — that's my 
system. Bring up your children. Keep the pot boiling, and 
don't bother about French, Dutch, or Hebrew, Abelard and 
Heloise, the Concord philosophy, or any of that stuff. 

Una. [Starts up.] You want us to go back a hundred years? 

Job. [To Una.] No. I w^ant you to go back five hundred 
years, six thousand years, when woman was man's rib, 
and, with all her faults — heaven bless her — stuck to hito 
through thick and thin. [Arm around Me. Joblots' ivaist.] 

Sarah. [Enters, l. c, and comes to Una.] Please'm, Mr. 
Urquhart wants to see you. 

Mrs. J. [Grosses to her.] Your husband — capital ! 

Una. I'm not at home — stop. Say I'm not at home to him. 

Sarah. Yes'm. [Going.] 

Mrs. J. [Gets, l., to Sarah.] Sarah, wait. [Down to Una.] 

Sarah. Yes'm. [Stops.] 

Mrs. J. Una, I beg you will see your husband. 

Una. Mamma, it's out of the question. [Mrs. Joblots 
flounces to l.] 

Eho. She's right. Una, be a woman. 

Job. [Down, R., to Una.] Ehoda, hush. 

Una. [ To Sarah.] Not at home to him. 

Sarah. Yes'm. [Going.] 



LOVE IN HAKNESS. 23 

Job. [ C?'osses ^0 Sakah.] Sarah! 

Sarah. Yes, sir. 

Job. Hold on a bit. [Sabah stojjs.^ Una, your old father 
begs yon to receiye your husband. 

Jj7ia. [e. c, After a struggle.'] It's very hard, papa, 
but I obey. [Jb Saeah.] Show him in. [Gets to chair at 
table, L.] 

Sarah. Yes'm. [Exit joyfully, l. c] 

3Irs. J. [Crosses to Joblots.] Let us leave them alone. 
[Going.'] 

Job. Yes, dear. 

Bho. [To Una. J Would you like me to stay ? 

JJiia. It's not necessary. 

Job. [At door.] Ehoda ! 

Rho. Coming, papa ! [Exit with Mr. and Mrs. Joblots, e. 
arch.] 

Una. [Quite unconcernedly throws herself into a seat, 
down and picks up a book, trying to conceal her inner feelings, 
and failing, utters, half to herself:] Oh, pshaw! 

Urquhart. [Enters, quickly and eagerly, trembling with 
controlled anger ^ Una [Sees her, and comes dow7i], I left my 
office to go home and lunch with you. I was told that you 
had left with your tranks. What does it mean ? 

U?ia. [l.] It means that I have left you. 

Z/rq. Come, Una, this is a joke. 

Una. Do you think so ? You'll soon find out differently. 

Urq. What do you complain of in me ? 

Una. Oh, nothing — merely having made me miserable for 
the past two years — the time we've been married. That's all 
You can't say I haven't had patience. 

Urq. [Puts hat on chair, c] I admit that I was a little 
hasty this morning. 

Una. A Httle hasty! [Grosses, e.] It was a perfectly hor- 
rible scene. You threatened that you would never take me out 
into society again. 

Urq. I don't want you to dance. I can't bear to see you in 
the arms of another man with indifference. 

Una. In the arms of another man ! 

Urq. Yes — in the arms ! Worse yet — your face near his, 
his breath almost touching your cheek. 

Una. [e.] No! 

Urq. I say yes. I know it. In the waltz especially. 

Una. It goes so fast one doesn't have time to notice anything. 

Urq. Doesn't he hold you round the waist and clasp your 
hand? 



24 LOVE IN HARNESS. 

Una. Who ? 

Urq. Who ? The other man. 

Una. Our hands are gloved. So are my arms. I wear thirty- 
button gloves. 

Urq. You don't wear thirty-button waists. 

Una. [Stage, k.] The fashion may come in. 

Urq. A pretty figure we cut, we husbands ; we dress up 
our wives and lead them round to these gentlemen that they 
may spin you about from midnight till six o'clock in the morn- 
ing. And what do we do ? 

Una. There's no harm in dancing. We learn to dance at 
school. 

Urq. . Among children it is very pretty. And quite moral. 

Una. Well, drop the parties. There's the theatre. 

Urq. Well, I take you to the theatre. 

Una. Yes, once in two years. 

Urq. As often as there's a good play. 

Una. And then, instead of attending to the play, you are 
watching to see how many opera-glasses are turned on me. 

Urq. I can't understand how a well-bred man can ogle a re- 
spectable woman with whom he's not acquainted. 

Una. Well, he has to look at her first to find out whether 
he's acquainted with her, hasn't he ? But so much for the thea- 
tre, if that were all. 

Urq. [l.] Is there anything else ? 

Una. Yes, there is this : You get more and more unbeara- 
ble every day. I can't go out without being asked where I'm 
going, nor come home without being asked where I've been. 
You won't let me make calls — you won't let me receive calls. 
[Crosses, l.] 

Urq. Calls from gentlemen — certainly not. Let these young 
bachelors call on the girls. 

Una. We can't lead a life of perpetual ttte-d-tete. 

Urq. [Approaching her.'] I don't ask it. I only ask not 
to be condemned to the white tie and swallow-tail five times a 
week. I beg you not to pass your whole life outside your 
home, and not to make your house a rendezvous for every sim- 
pering ninny in town. 

Una. [Sits.] You can have the house to yourself now, and 
receive whom you please. 

Urq. [ Up and clovm nervously.] Una, you are not in ear- 
nest. You are acting a part. You do love me. Eemember 
how happy we have been. If you knew how your leaving me 
makes me suffer ! 

Una. It's the last pain I shaU give you — I promise you 



LOVE IN HAENESS. 25 

that ; I didn't marry to live like Bluebeard's wife. I love com- 
pany. 

tlrq. And I love only you \dovm to her], think of you, live 
for you only. The smile you give a stranger seems stolen, to 
me. 

Una. A little while ago I was not to dance ; now I'm not 
even to smile. To-morrow you'll ask me to go out veiled. 
[Crosses, e.] The woman who invented veils must have been 
hideously ugly. 

Urq. Why do you delight to torment me ? 

Zlha. Why do you delight to torment me ? 

Urq. [ Uncontrollable outburst.'] Oh, if I had known - 

Una. Known what? That a wife can't be caged like a 
bird. Why, it was in society we met ! At a German ! You 
waltzed beautifully ! \_He advances to her.] I lost a good part- 
ner when I married you — and got a poor husband. [Laugh- 
ing:] 

Urq. [Turning away.] You are wrong to jest on serious 
subjects. 

Una. [r.] The most serious thing I know is to live a life 
exposed to your unmanly violence. [Uequhaet makes a move- 
me7it.] Yes — your unmanly violence ! This morning it was my 
dress out of the window — to-morrow it may be me. If you want- 
ed a house-keeper for a wife, you ought to have advertised for a 
middle-aged, plain person, unaccustomed to society. I warn 
you that I shall never settle down to spend three hundred and 
sixty-five nights every year at home with you and cribbage — 
not even when I am sixty and wear glasses. [Crosses, l.] 

Urq. Very well, madam ; since you treat me in this tone- 
enough of entreaty. You refuse to return home ? 

Una. I do. [He turns up stage., gets hat, loohs back.] 

Urq. A second time — you refuse to return ? 

Una. Consider it refused for the third and last time. 

Urq. Very well. I warn you that unless you come home 
to-day you never shall. 

Una. I warn you that I never will. 

Urq. You are satisfied ? 

Una. Perfectly. 

Urq. Then the responsibihty of everything that happens 
rests with you. 

U7ia. Very good. 

Urq. Good-morning. 

Una. Good-morniDg. [Uequhaet exits.] I said good-morn- 
ing. [JLooJcs around, andis amazed to find herself alone.] Gone ! 
He'll come back. [Khoda and IVIes. Joblots enter, b. archi] 



26 LOVE IN HAENESS. 

Mrs. Johlots. Well ? 

Una. It's settled. I stay here. 

Mrs. J. You are mad. 

Bhoda. [e.] She is right. [fT^ and down^ c] 

ilSfrs. e/] \&nap2yy.\ Hold your tongue. 

Johlots. [Mite7^in(/.] Well? 

J[fr5. eZ She's let him go. 

Job. [ Crosses to Una.] You wish to make your father and 
mother miserable ! 

Jenny. [JEnters, k. u. d.J Are you going to stay to dinner? 

Job. Jenny, make another cup of tea. 

Jenny. Why, mamma? 

3Irs. J. My poor child, your two sisters have returned home 
to us. Una has left Frederick, and as for Ehoda, Julius has 
left her. 

Jenny. How could you ! 

Rho. Silence, miss. 

Una. Your turn '11 come. 

Hoffman. [Miters, l. c, vnt/i a bouquet.'] Ladies, good- 
morning. [7b Jenny.] Permit me. [Offers bouquet.'] 

Jenny. [ Waving him away.] No, thank you. 

Hoff. Why not ? 

Jenny. [Taking ring from finger.] Here's your engage- 
ment ring. 

Hoff\ But, Jenny 

Mrs. J. Jenny, what are you doing ? 

Jenny. If my sisters have come home after such a short ex- 
perience of marriage, I'd better stay where I am. Charles, you 
are free. [Grosses to Ehoda.] 

Una. [To JoBLOTs.J She only takes things in time. 

Mrs. J. Una ! 

Job. [r. c] You refuse to marry the doctor ? 

Jenny. I can't marry at the very moment my sisters are get- 
ting unmarried. [Saeah enters loith tray y crosses to table, l.] 

Soff. But, Jenny, darling 

Jenny. [Crosses, c, waving him off\] You men are all 
alike. [ Up to table to serve tea.] 

Sarah. Here's the tea. 

Mrs. J. [To JoBLOTS.] What am I to do ? 

Job. [Handing her the book.] Consult the Manual ! [Una 
a7id Rhoda take a cup each. Jenny serves sugar as Saeah 
places tray on table. Mrs. Joblots shiks on chair. Joblots 
laughs. Hoffman dashes bouquet tofioor.] 

Quick Curtain. 



LOVE IN HAENESS. 27 



ACT n. 



Scene. — Drawing-JRoom atUrqiiharfs, elegantly furnished m 
the best modern style, in contrast to the old-fashioned 
interior of Act I. Piano at l. c. Immense ferns m c, 
with sofa between them. An elaborate mantel at e. Doors 
c, E., aiid L., iq^ stage. 

ScHLAGG, a German-American valet discovered with a small 
%oatering-pot and a sponge watering the ferns and loiping 
off the leaves. Yery large feather duster under his 
arm. 

Schlagg. I guess it was a break up for goot dis times. 
Missus, she vont come backs any more and de govern or is 
down in de mouf. I vas down in de mouf myself. It vould 
be all de same, as for me, but for one thing ; my vife is my 
missusses woman, and ven my missus goes her off, my vife she 
go too mit her. Dat makes us both down in de mouf in dis 
house — and by gracious it vos vorse mit me — for I am memed 
only dese three months. 

Jidius. [Miters, c] Mr. Urquhart in, John? [Doicn, l.] 

Schl. Yes, sii', he vos in his room ! \_IIesitates about go- 
ing.'] [Julius sits, c, and takes up a newspap)er.\ If you please, 
sir, may I beg de favor of an answer to von leedle question ? 

Jid. [Loohing over paper.] You may, John. 

&chl. Do you happen to know if dis state of tings is going 
to last a long time some more ? 

Jul. What business is that of yours ? 

Schl. I know it seems not of my business, but my whole 
happiness is dere already. 

Jxd. I don't understand. [Putting paper down.] 

Schl. No, sir — nobody never understand de troubles of oder 
peoples. My vife has gone off mit Mrs. Urquhart, and she stay 
off — dot is two weeks now. 

Jul. Well, can't you go and see her ? [Seated, l. of sofa^ 

Schl. Yes — but vat is dat ? Twice a veek in de front airy, 
in de dark — vit de post-office man going by all de time. And 
de more I don' see her — de more I loves her all de while. I 
can't help it. By gracious me, none of us can help it. [Sits 
confidentially by Julius.] Ve are men. Ve are all of us dat vay. 



28 LOVE IN HAENESS. 

Jul. [^First indignant at the familiarity, then rising, smiling.'] 
Speak for yourself. [Stage, r.] 

Schl. [Rising.] Dat vos so. I am merried only three 
months, and my vife she is merried de same length of time. It 
is our honeymoons — it vas not a very full moons eider. But 
dere is a vay to fix. K Mr. Urquhart vill not take back his 
vife — vy he not take back mine ? [Dusts Julius' clothes famili- 
arly with his feather duster.] 

Jul. [Giving him a look and a push.'] Speak to him about 
it. [Grosses, l.] 

Schl. As soon I would blow off a barrel of gunpowder as 
talk it to him. 

Jul. Keally ? 

Schl. [Dusting /iwi.] He feels too bad of it. I must gon- 
sider his feelings. I owe him forty dollars vorth of gonsidera- 
tion a month. 

Jul. [Giving him a hank-note.] Do you ? Now you owe my 
feelings some consideration. Drop the subject and announce 
me. 

Schl. [Pockets the money, folding it and placing it in his 
vest.] Thank you, sir. But it vas a grade pity dis Franco- 
German alliance of ours don't get a fair chance. [Going.] Ah ! 
Antoinette ! Antoinette ! I love you so. Ach. [Exit, l. door.] 

Jul. [Getting k] There's no doubt about it. Fred takes 
the separation hard. If I could think of a good way to bring 
him and his wife together, I'd do it. As for myself, I'm happy. 
I've given up our flat, stored the furniture, and taken bachelor 
apartments in the " Benedick." 

Urquhart. [Enters gloomily, l. d.] Morning, Julius. What 
do you want ? [Thi^ows himself into a seat, l. c] 

Jul. Finding you had not been down town to-day, I called 
to see if you were ill. 

Urq. Why should I be ill ? « 

Jul. [Sits, c] Don't get angry. 

Urq. I'm not angry. 

Jul. How did you enjoy yourself last night? 

Vrq. Last night ? Where ? 

Jul. Why, at the Kermess. Don't you recollect going ? I 
said, "Let's have a good time;" you said, "You didn't feel like 
it." So we went. 

Urq. I didn't notice where we were ; looked at the dancing. 
[Shrugs his shoulders.] Not much ! 

Jul. I looked at the girls. [Shrug.] Not much ! 

Urq. [Shrug.] Not much in anything ! 

Jul. [Shrug.] Not much ! [A pause. Mutual crossing. 



LOVE m HAENESS. 29 

Vrq'^'bab.t picks up paper. Julius picks up a book.] Only to 
think ; it's two weeks to-day. 

Urq. 'Beg pardon ? 

Jul. It's two weeks to-day since we were bachelors again. 
It was on the 25th, you remember ? 

Ur^q. Do you keep count? [With a sneer.] 

Jul. A date is not a regret. I do keep count ; but I do it 
cheerfully. [Counts on fingers.] 26th, 27th, 28th— 

Urq. I simply banish the whole thing. 

Jul. So you don't love Una ? 

Urq. I detest her. 

Jul. Can one forget so soon ? You certainly adored each 
other once. 

Urq. [Pettishly, rising and tossing pajDcr aside.] Adored ! 

Jul. Yes, adored. You kissed each other before people. 

Z/rq. [Astonished.] Before people ? 

J'ld. [Htses.] Yes, before Rhoda and me. Folks used to 
say : " They are charming — there's a couple won't get tired of 
each other." 

Urq. What's the use of recalling all that when everything's 
over? [Crosses, l.] 

Jicl. Are you sure everything is over ? [Urquhart, loith an 
impatient movement, throws himself into a chair.] I say, are 
you going to resume your bachelor life again ? 

Urq. Certainly. 

Jul. Go about and act as if you were free ? 

Urq. Unquestionably. 



Jul. 


Keep bachelor hall ? 


Urq. 


Yes. 


Jul. 


Where? 


Urq. 


Here, 


Jul. 


What ! Have the boys in here among the household 


gods? 




Urq. 


Since the household goddess deserts it, certainly. 


[Rises.] 




Jul. 


They'll break things. 


Urq. 


[ Crosses, r.] One break more or less won't signify. 



Schlagg. [Miters, c, very frisky.] If you vas please, sir, 
my vife is here. 

Urq. Well, what is that to us ? 

Schl. [Aside.] How selfish dey is. [Aloud.] If you 
please, sir, she wants to see you. 

Jul. [ Crosses to Uequhaet. Aside.] Aha ! She brings a 
flag of truce. [To Schlago, after seeing that Uequhart re- 
maitis silent.] Show your wife in. [Schlago exit quite fris- 



30 LOVE IN HARNESS. 

MlyP^ I'm rather curious to hear what message your wife 
sends you. My wife don't send me any. 

Schl. \AnnounGing at c] Frau Antoinette von Koppel- 
meisterlachverstangenfellen Schlagg. 

Jul. [To Uequhakt.] He is announcing his wife. Show 
her in, John. [Crosses, l. ] 

Antoinette, [^Inters, c] Bonjour, gentlemens. [Her air 
is polite, hut independent.'] 

Jid. How do you do, Antoinette ? 

Ant. [c] Zank you, monsieur, and ze gentlemen — zay 
quite well ? 

Jid. [Grosses, c.l Well and happy, as you perceive. [Aside 
to Uequhaet.] Don't look so miserable. [ U}^ and dovm, e.] 

JJrq, [c] [:Zb Antoinette.] What do you wish ? 

Ant. [l.] When madam depart, she had only ze time to 
take away ze most necessaire articles. Her costumes for ze 
ball, and ze toilettes for ze reception. She have all leave be- 
hind, and if monsieur haf no objection, I am come por zem 
especially to fetch zem away, voild tout. 

Urq. [To Julius, indignantly.'] Her ball dresses ! 

Jul. [e.] I sent Ehoda everything. AVhy preserve the 
frame when the picture is gone ? I thought I had a master- 
piece — it turned out a poor copy, and I got rid of it. [Stage, e.] 

A7it. Shall I have monsieur's permission to take away ze 
costumes of madame ? 

Urq. Why does my wife send for her ball dresses in our 
present situation ? 

Ant. Vy, for what but to go to ze balls, monsieur ! Yoild ! 
c'est tout ! 

Urq. [To Julius.] You hear that? 

Jid. What does it matter ? She has a perfect right. [ Crosses 
to Antoinette.] So the ladies are happj' ? 

Ajit. Oui, monsieur, especially ze wife of monsieur. [Smiles 
at Julius.] Madame is merry as a cricket all ze day, and sing 
like a bird all ze time. [Goes up.] 

Jul. She never had her wings clipped. [Crosses, e.] 

Urq. [To Schlagg, icho has heen gazing in rapture at his 
loife, and is noio leaning over the piano grinning at her.] 
What are you waiting for ? 

Schl. I'm looking at my vife. 

Urq. Get out ! [Schlagg bounds out, throioing Jdsses at An- 
toinette, loho is imperturhable, and reappears instantly at an- 
other door. E. u. e.] 

Jul. Let him look. It's little enough. [ Crosses to Antoi- 
nette.] How do the ladies pass their time, Antoinette ? 



LOYE IX HAENESS. 31 

TJrq. What do j'ou want to know that for ? 

Jul. No harm in it, and besides, it's no more than ordinary 
poHteness to ask after a family we used to visit. 

Ant. [l.] Zay get's up very early in zat house. Ze old lady 
gets up at seven o'clock, ze old monsieur he get up at eight, and 
so does Mademoiselle Jenny. 

Jul. Ah ! Miss Jenny ! How about her marriage ? 

Ant. It's all smash — go up in a balloon — what you call it — 
broke off. 

Jul. Broke off in a balloon, eh ? 

Ant. She declare she vill not many while zat her sisters 
and dere husbands separate. 

Jul. Poor giii ! She'll be single a long while. 

Ant. [ Coldly.'] So her sisters tell to her. [Julius coughs, 
crosses, l.] Madame Naggitt and Madame Urquhart zay break- 
fast every morning at eleven o'clock. 

Urq. Zay take it easy. 

Ant. Zay are out so late effi-y night. [Julius «?2(fUEQUHAiiT 
evince feeling.'] 

Urq. So zay are out every night ? Where ? 

Ant. To ze theatre. To ze o23era. Dey went to ze races 
yesterday. 

Urq. [Crosses to Julius. J Went to the races, and I hadn't 
the heart to ! 

Jul. Well, if they enjoy it 

Ant At three o'clock ze ladies zay dress for a drive, or ze 
shopping ; Tuesdays and Fridays zay receive company — a 
great deal of company. 

Urq. And, pray, what do they say to theii' guests ? 

Ant. ^Shrugs.'] I am not a guest. I do not know. 

Urq. I mean, how do they explain our situation ? 

Jul. [l.] Yes, I'm curious to hear that. 

Ant. \_Crosses, c] Zay only state ze facts as zay oc- 
cuiTed. 

Urq. That's fortunate. [^Irritated tone.] 

Jid. Very fair. 

Ant. Zat Monsieur Urquhart was always quarrelling viz 
madame. 

Jid. One for you ! 

Ant. And zat Monsieur Naggitt had ze ci-uelty to send his 
vifes back to her parents for her to eat ze cold veal. 

Urq. That's one for you ! 

Jid. You are right — one for me. 

Urq. [Crosses, c] The court will appreciate all this. 

Jul. Thecoui't? 



32 LOVE IN HARNESS. 

TIrq. [In a rage.~\ I sliall have a divorce. [To Antoinette.] 
You may tell your mistress so, from me. 

Ant. [k.] Bien, m'sieu'. I will take ze message. May I take 
ze costumes aussi ? 

Urq. Take anything you like. [Grosses, e.] 

Ant. Merci, m'sieu' ! I thank monsieur for his affability. 
Gentlemens, I have ze honor ! [Bows profoundly, goes up and 
meets Schlagg, who hugs her to co7ifusion.] 

Schl. Mein Lieben ! I'll help you ! I'll help you ! [Puts his 
arm about her vmist, they exeunt, c. r.] 

Jul. [Aside.] He's the happiest of us three. 

Urq. [Pacing up and dow7i.] They go to the races ! They 
have reception days ! 

Jtd. [l.] Wouldn't we? Come, they are having their good 
time, we'll have ours. [ Goes to 2na7io, opens it.] We'll be as 
jolly as they. Life's a burlesque, the world's a casino. Come, 
let's rehearse our parts in the farce. [Sings and plays from 
" Josephine.''^] Eugene, Eugene, etc. 

Urq. Stop that infernal racket. 

Jid. [Hises.] Racket ! We must live on racket now. 
Come ! Be as jolly as I am. [Drags him to piano.] You 
can play better than I can. Give us a rousing chorus to warm 
up. [Uequhart sits dejectedly, hut does not play.] 

Schlagg. [Enters and a7inoimces.] Mr. and Mrs. Joblots. 
[Julius and Uequhart start up. ^chlkgg exits.] 

Jul. You hear ? [Uequhart suddenly turns and begins to 
play. Both join in the chorus as before from *' Josephine."] 
Eugene, Eugene, etc. [Mr. and Mrs. Joblots enter and stand 
in doorioay, c, stupefied, lohile Julius begins to dance, Urqu- 
HART to play more boisterously, both as if unconscious of the 
presence of the old couple.] 

Joblots. [As the young men turn around and subside.] 
You are merry ! 

Jul. [Seizes his hand.] Ah ! my dear sir ! My dear Mrs. 
Joblots ! [Crosses to her.] 

3Irs. Joblots. [l. c, To Urquhart.] You are quite mu- 
sical ! 

Ui^q. 1 piano a little bit. 

Mrs. J. [To Joblots.] He never played for us. 

Jid. [e.. As Joblots coughs.] We men are so bashful. All 
brokers are that way. 

Urq. Pray be seated. 

Job. Excuse us for interrupting your little concert. [JTe 
and Mes. Joblots sit, c, Julius and Urquhaet stand each side 
of them.] 



LOVE IN HARNESS. 33 

Mrs. J. [To JuLros.] We intended to go to your house 
after our call on Frederick, but as we are all met together 

J^ob. We'll kill two birds with one stone. 

Jt(.l. To what are we indebted for the honor of this visit ? 

Mrs. J. Julius, you know that we have been expecting you 
every day for two weeks? 

Jul Where ? 

Job. At our house. 

Jid. For what purpose ? 

Job. Come now, you know that this state of thing can't 
last. 

TJr'q, So we think. 

Job. Now, now, my dear boys, you know that Una and 
Rhoda are only children. 

TJrq. You should have brought them up to be women. 

Job. This is hard for a father. 

Mrs. J [Weeping.'] And for a mother. [Rises to Ztjuxj^ and 
Ukquhakt.] What have I ever done to you? 

JJrq. My dear Mrs. Joblots, I could live with you all my 
life ; that is the highest compliment one can pay to a mother- 
in-law ; but with my wife, never ! [ Gets^ l.] 

Jul. Existence with you, Mrs. Joblots, would be happi- 
ness. A son-in-law can say no fairer ; but with your eldest 
daughter, excuse me — [She moves.'] Don't insist. You will 
oblige me by not attempting it. [ Going to door, l.] Frederick ! 

JJrq. [Joins him and takes his arm.] Julius! [To Mr. 
and Mrs. Joblots, bowing iii unison.] We have the honor. 

Jul. We have the honor. [Both exeunt, l. d., with an air 
of mild dignity, arm in ann.] 

Mrs. J [Following up to door, l.] They talk that way 
about your daughters, and you sit there as indifferent and 
cold 

Job. No, my dear, not cold, but trying to keep cool. 
[Stage, r.J 

Schlagg. [Announcing, c] Mrs. Naggitt and Mrs. 

[Una and Rhoda enter, pushing past him, and he exits i?i- 
dignantly.] 

Mrs. J. Una ! Rhoda ! Heaven be praised you are here. 

Una. [Pausing, surprised.] Mamma ! 

Mho. [Same.] Papa ! 
Una. You here? [Looks from one to the other.] 

Job. On business. 

Una. So am I. We have just heard something that makes 
us supremely happy. 

Hho. Overjoyed ! 
3 



34 LOVE IN HAENESS. 

Mrs. J. [ Crosses^ l. c] You wouldn't be if you had heard 
what we did — that your husband wants a divorce. 
Una. Antoinette has just told us. [Crosses, -l. c.'\ 

Mrs. J. And that makes you happy ? 

Tina. Rapturous ! I came at once to arrange particulars 
with Mr. Urquhart. 

Rho. [l.] And I came to stand by her. 

Mrs. J. This is unheard of. 

RTio. \Crosses, c, to Joblots.] How are your amiable 
sons-in-law? 

Job. When we came in they were having a little song and 
dance. 

Mrs. J. They were rioting and revelling. [Julius enters, 
L. D., with a package of securities and remains 2inperceived.~\ 

Job. [To Rhoda.] Your husband sings false. 

Jiho. [ Coldly. ] Then he sings as he talks. 

Jul. [c] Thank you. [All turn slightly.] 

Rho. I'm not speaking to you. I came with my sister. 

Jul. [ Critically, as if to himself^ My late wife has grown 
decidedly stouter. [Rhoda turois up stage. To Una.] How do 
you do, Una ? 

Una. [l.] Well, I declare ! What insolence ! 

Jul. [Smiling, hands package i?i his hand to Joblots.] 
There, sir ! 

Job. What's this ? [Rhoda, down, l. c] 

Jtd. The dowry Frederick and I received with your 
daughters. We can't send back the wives and keep the money 
— that wouldn't be fair. 

Job. [r. c, Taking it.] I'm much obliged. I'll write a 
receipt, and add a certificate of honesty. [ Up with Mes. Job- 
lots.] 

Jid. No need of receipt. You won't ask the money twice. 
[Up.] 

Una. [Aside to Rhoda.] It's all bluster. They're whistHng 
to keep their courage up. [Touches bell.] 

Hho. [Same.] They don't mean a word. 

Job. [To Mes. Joblots, giving her the money.] You take 
this, and don't lose it. 

Jul. [To Una and Rhoda.] Is there anything I can do for 
you, ladies ? [Schlagg enters.] 

tfna. [ Crosses to Schlagg.] Will you ask Mr. Urquhart 
whether he can spare the time from his revelries to see -me ? 

Schlagg. Yes, ma'm ! He vill be glad. [JExit l. door.] 

Jtd. [Aside?\^ Is she weakening ? 

Mrs. J. [e., Aside ^o, Joblots.] Shall we stay ? 



LOVE IK HAKNESS. 35 

Joh. [Aside to her.] Let us wait in Una's room. 

Mrs. J. [ Goes with Joblots to door^ r., and turns when 
about to exit. ] My dear child, let me beg you to reflect. You 
are partly to blame. 

Una. But, mamma ! If I am entirely satisfied ! 

Mrs. J. Your father and I are not. 

Una. You'll get used to it in time, as I have. \Crosses to 
desJc, R.] 

jRho. As we have. 

Joh. [Hopelessly.] Come, dear. [Going.] Don't drop the 
money. [Exeunt, r. d.] 

JRho. [To Una, hut intending Jumus to hear.] You are 
fortunate. I only wish my little monster would ask for a 
divorce ! 

Jul. [Sinks in chair, l., and stretches his legs, addressing the 
front.] How happy I am these days — no cares, no house, no 
hours, no jaw. [Ehoda sits spitefully.] I breakfast at the 
cafe, dine at the club, and give no account of my time to any 
Paul Pry, male or female. 

Bho. Sir ! 

Jid. I am not speaking to you — I am addressing space. 

Hho. [ To Una.] If I had known I would meet my — [ ChecTcs 
herself] that I should meet a stranger here, I would not have 
come. 

Una. [Seated, r.] Khoda, be calm. 

JRho. [Going to her.] You are right. I will be calm and in- 
different. Oh ! how could papa and mamma have been so mis- 
taken ! [Going hack to sofa, sits.] They said : " He is much 
older than you, Khoda, and, of course, not handsome, but he is 
a perfect gentleman." And a year afterward this perfect gen- 
tleman sets me down at their front door as he'd shoot a load of 
coal on the sidewalk. 

Una. You had ceased to fascinate the Sultan. 

Jul. [As hefore.] What a fool I was. Instead of being 
resolute from the start, I was affable and yielding. I look 
upon those eighteen months as a horrid dream. Thank good- 
ness, I wake happy. 

JRho. [Approaching him.] I suppose you consider that 
polite ? 

Jul. [As before.] Excuse me, I was addressing somebody 
in vacancy. 

Hho: [Turns to him spitefidly.] There's nobody in vacancy. 
But, be careful, my gentleman, or you'll get a good slap from 
vacancy. [ Crosses, r. Enter Urquhart.] 

Jul. [As before^ That's my wife. 



36 LOVE IN HARNESS. 

Una. Y'^ees Urquhakt, rises.'] Here's the other. [Uequ- 
HART hows calmly.] 

Urquhart. Ladies! [7b Rhoda.] How do you do, Rhoda ? 

Bho. [ Coldly.'] Good-morning ! 

Jul. [^Aside.] He'll catch it. 

Urq. [Sarcastically to Rhoda.] How cold ! [Advances to 
her.] 

Rho. [r. c] I am not more so than I ought to be to- 
ward my sister's executioner. 

Jul. Don't go too close. She came near biting me. [Rhoda 
flounces up stage.] 

Urq. [To Una.] You sent for me. I am at your service. 

Una, If I am correctly informed, you are contemplating a 
divorce ? 

Urq. [Bringing cMir forward.] I am. Will you be seated ? 
[Points to sofa!] 

Una. [Sits, c] If agreeable to you that will be our topic. 
[Urquhart hows.] I think with you that an absolute divorce is 
better than a mere separation, which would compel me to bear, 
or rather to endure, your name. 

Jul. [To Urquhart, who strives to hide an outhiirst.] Keep 
cool. I'll takes notes of this. [Takes out a note-hook and 
lorites.] " Endure your name." 

Una. After the divorce you can resume your bachelor life, 
while I regain the advantages of a young girl. 

Jul. [l.. Writes.] "Young girl." [Speaks.] Perhaps! 
[Mr. a7id Mrs. Joblots appear at r. door.] 

Urq. Be as brief as you can, please. 

Una. I desire to be brief. [Mr. and Mrs. Joblots are see7i 
listening.] 

JoUots. [Aside.] They may be going to make it up. 

Una. Then that point is settled. We shall have a divorce. 
[Mr. and Mrs. Joblots disappear and close the door.] 

Jid. [ Closes the hook.] I should like to know what grounds 
you two have. 

Una. Grounds ! 

Jul. Yes ; grounds for a divorce. 

U7ia. Cruelty. 

Jul. [7b Urquhart.] I didn't know there was cruelty ! 

Urq. Neither did I. 

Una. Throwing my dress out of the window. 

Urq. You were not in it. 

Uoia. [To Rhoda.] He regrets that I was not in it. 
Hho. I'll make a note of that. [Gets out note-hook and 
writes same husiness as Julius.] '* Regrets she was not in it." 



LOVE IN HARNESS. 37 

Jul, You can't get a divorce for that 

Tina. The court will decide. 

Jul. You can't get a lawyer to take such a case as that. 
Some shyster may, but a respectable member of the bar — 
never ! [Mk. and Mrs. Joblots reappear^ k. door^ 

Una. If that's not sufficient, I shall accuse him of insult- 
ing my mother and inflicting a painful wound upon her fore- 
head. 

Urq, Zdid? 

Una. Yes, you. The occasion was a Sunday when I dined 
with my parents. My dear mamma, always thoughtful and 
considerate, had pressed you to take the supreme of a partridge. 
My darling papa, always obhging and full of tact, had produced 
some choice Lafitte from the cellar. 

Joblots. [ Up stage, r., aside^ Five dollars a bottle. 

Una. You meanwhile were eating your wing and devouring 
the other with your eyes, when I took it. 

Urq, I can't see the least harm in that. 
Jul, Nor I. 

Una. Wait. After dinner my sweet mamma offered you 
most delicately a few tickets for our church fair at a dollar each, 
whereupon, without the slightest cause, you answered roughly, 
"You've been sticking me with tickets for your church fairs 
long enough." My poor mother, trembling like a leaf, mur- 
mured : 'Tm not compelling you to take them." "Yes, you 
are," says my gentleman, and at the same moment bringing 
his fist down on the table with a bang, that sent a pile of plates 
dancing in the air, a piece of one of them striking my darling 
mamma on the forehead. [With great emotio7i.'\ She was 
obliged to remain in bed for three weeks with a bandage over 
one eye. 

Mho. [ Writing.'] " One month — bandage over both eyes." 
Job. [Aside to Mrs. Joblots.] I don't remember that ! 
Mrs. Joblots. Neither do I ! [Both disapp>ear.'\ 

Urq. [JRises.'] There's not a syllable of truth in the whole 
tale. 

Una. I know it. [Rises.^ But you want a divorce and you 
want grounds. Ain't you much obhged to me for inventing 
such a good story ? 

Urq. But such a piece of brutaHty ! 

Una. Do you want a divorce ? 

Urq. I do, but I want a divorce with honor — something 
that leaves me with a shred of reputation, at least. 

Una. Well, you may admit then that you merely insulted 
mamma. 



38 LOVE 11^ HAKNESS. 

Jul. You can't refuse her that. After all, it's only your 
mother-in-law. 

JJrq. No. There's a simpler way. 

Una, Simpler than mine ? Impossible ! 

TIrq. Quite possible. When a husband and wife can't live 
together 

Tina. As in our case. 

JJrq, I was about to add that ! Besides, an absolute di- 
vorce can be procured for one cause only, the flagrante 
delictu. 

Una, What's that ? 

Urq. I elope with someone or another. 

Una, Tou would, would you? [^Furious.'] You dare to 
tell me to my face [Khoda approaches her.] 

Urq. You must listen quietly, or I won't be divorced. 

Una. [Suppressi?ig her aiiger.] Oh, go on. I'm listening. 
[Mr. and Mes. Joblots reappear at door, e.] 

3frs. Johlots. \_Aside.'\ Are they making up? 

Johlots. [AsideJ] I think not, my dear. 

Urq. Your plan makes me a ruffian, while mine is quite 
d la mode. 

Una and Jthoda, ^ la mode ? 

Jul, [l.] Quite d la mode. Such husbands as do not elope, 
would like to. 

Job. [To his wife.] Don't believe him, dear. \Both dis- 
appear.] 

Una. [ To Julius.] Speak for yourself. 

Urq. You must not lose sight of the fact that there will be 
only a pretended elopement in our case. [ Crosses, l. He and 
Rhoda go up stage,] 

Jul. [Meeting Ehoda, c] That's so, and if Rhoda doesn't 
mind either, why 

Bho. Rhoda ! Of whom are you speaking ? 

Jul. Of you. If you are satisfied, we'll all of us be divorced 
in the same way — a four-cornered divorce. 

Una. [Down, e., to Rhoda.] How amusing he is. 

Urq, [ToV^A.] Your decision, if you please ? 

Una, [Meets him,] I say insults and cruelty. [Stage, e.] 

Urq. 1 say an elopement. [Stage, l. Julius and Rhoda 
meet, c, and turn up stage. Una and Uequhaet meet, c] 

Una. You will receive a summons in due time. 



Urq, 
Bho, 
Jid. 



Stage, l. h.] With pleasure. 
To Julius.] And you too. 
shall be delighted ! 



Una. ru go to a lawyer at once. 



LOVE IN HARNESS. 39 

liho. And I'll go with you. [Mr. and Mes. Joblots enter 
B. door.'] 

Joblots. Stop ! Your father forbids you to stir a step in 
this matter. 

Mrs. Joblots. You will kill your mother. 

Jul. [To 'Mrs. Joblots.] It must be done. [Stage, l.] 

Mrs. J [Alarmed.] Oh ! 

Urq. He means the divorce must be got. 
Una. And he's quite right. 

Job. You will not give up this wicked scheme ? 

U?ia. I'd die fii-st 

Job. Then never enter my house again. 

Mrs. J. Jeremiah ! 

Job. No, my dear. She shall never put her foot in our house. 

Jid. Bravo ! 

Una. [To Rhoda.] We'll go to a hotel, that's aU. 

Job. Go ! but understand, I will not support you. 

Una. [Half -crying.] You will not? 

Job. And you haven't a cent. 

Hho. [Crosses ^0 Joblots.] We have out dowry. 

Job. No, no ! No marriage, no dowry. 

Una. We'll sell our diamonds. 

Bho. And after that we'll starve. 

3frs, J. [To Joblots.] You go too far. 

Job. No, my dear. Good-morning, ladies ! 

Uia. [ Crosses to Joblots.] But, papa ! 

Job. There's no more papa. 

Rho. [ Crosses to ;Mrs. Joblots.] Mamma ! [T71 tears.] 

3Irs. J. There's still a mamma ! [ Opeiis her arms. Joblots 
whirls her round.] 

Job. Come, no weakness now. 

3Trs. J. A mother is not a father. 

Job. No, I don't say she is ! [Both girls sob.] But come, 
come. Let's go. [Aside, much moved.] Or hang it, I shall 
hug 'em too ! [Huri'ies Mes. Joblots off, c. l. Una sobs, Rhoda 
weeps, Ukquhaet and Julius exchange glances.] 

Jul. [l.] The old gentleman was grand. I'll send him a 
congratulatory card. 

Una. [Drying her eyes.] Crying won't mend matters. 
Come, Rhoda. 

Bho. Where? 
Una. Wherever you like. 

Bho. I came away without my pocket-book. 
Uyia. Never mind. I have mine. [Produces and opens 
it^ I have four dollai's and a postage-stamp. 



40 LOVE IN HAEI^ESS. 

JRho. "We'll use the stamp to inform mamma where we 
are stopping. She won't see us want. 

JJna. \^Crosses, c] Let's go, then. [They are going up. 
Ukquhabt meets aiid stops them.'] 

Xlrq. Pardon me, ladies! 

IJyia. \Stops suddenly, c] What is it ? 

Urq. [l. c] Behind the injured husband still remains the 
gentleman. The latter now addresses you. 

Jul. [l.] What's he up to now? \8its at piano and/ 
plays softly.^ 

Urq. [To ladies.] You are not divorced yet. 

Una. Unfortunately. 

Urq. Unfortunately ! So it would be discourteous to leave 
you without a shelter. 

Una. There are hotels. 

Jiho. And our mother. 

Jul. Certainly, there are both. 

Urq. [To Julius.] Let the gentleman still speak. [To 
ladies.] Stop here. 

Una. Here ? Never ! 

Urq. [To Julius.] You see ! 

Jul. [To Urquhart.] Let me try them. [Crosses to the 
ladies.] Permit us to offer you that room — [Indicating room 
on K.] for the present. As for Fred, he will come with me. 
You will be alone. 

Jiho. [r.] On that understanding we accept. 

Una. It is understood that we 2^<^(y for the room ? 

Jul. We wouldn't think of it. 

Una. [Severely.] Then, upon what terms ? 

Jid. Perfect strangers, but guests. If that don't suit — pay. 
At all events, make yourselves at home. Come, Fred. 

Urq. [Looking at Una, aside.] She's marble. [Crosses 
past Julius.] 

Una. [Looking at Urquhart, aside.] He's adamant. 

Jid. [ ISame, looking at Khoda.] She has certainly grown 
decidedly stouter. [LJxits with Urquhart, l. door.] 

Mho. At all events, we'll soon be free. 

Una. [3Iournfully.] Do you know a lawyer ? [ Crosses, l.] 

Mho. No ; but we'll look in the papers. The thing that 
puzzles me is what we'll say to him. My Julius was right. 
There's not the least ground for you. If your husband only 
would elope with somebody else. [Moth sit, c] 

Una. [Moulting.] He won't. He loves me too much. 
i Mho. I didn't quite like his proposing it. 
{ Una. It was only to oblige me. 



LOVE IN HAENESS. 41 

JRho. But I don't like the idea of his thoughts running in 
that direction. 

Una. You positively terrify me. Oh, no, he wouldn't be so 
base. 

Rho, We must be prepared for anything. 

Tina. It's so horrible to think of. 

Rho. Then you love him still ? 

Una. No ; I don't love him. But I'm jealous all the same \ 

Rho, You were wild for a divorce just now. 

Una. I thought he would give in. 

Rho. The case is plain — you love him madly. Go and beg 
him to forgive you. \Rises?[ 

Uia. [^Rises.l Don't talk nonsense to me. Your husband 
is right. You are most exasperating. 

Rho. [e.] Exasperating, when I advise you to make up 
with your husband ? I like that. 

Una. You only do it to provoke me. 

Rho. You'd provoke a saint ! \_Exits angrily, r. door.'] 

Una. [Alone.] Can Frederick really harbor a false thought ? 
Could he be so base, so guilty, so — [Sees key in his desk, 
down K., ru7is and opens it, and is about to rummage among 
the papers when Juuus enters at l. and observes her.] 

Jidius. Ahem ! [She shuts the desk and stands confused.] 
Don't let me disturb you. You are at home, of course. 

Una. [r.] I thought — I thought the desk was empty, and 
I wanted to get an envelope. 

Jul. I see — you expected to find an envelope in an empty 
desk. 

Una. I mean, I wanted to put away some articles, and I 
suddenly remembered that this was not our room. [Aside, go- 
ing up.] I'll look — I'll rummage everywhere. [Exits, r. u. d.] 

Jul Jealous ! And Fred is heartbroken. These two hearts 
must be reunited. I have composed a neat little note to set 
them going. [Takes an envelope out of his pocket, opens it, 
draws forth a letter and reads.] " My sweetest sweet, your 
letter received. Shall expect you to-moiTOw at six at the Ben- 
edick. Yours for the past, present, and future — Beatrice. 
Monday the 8th." [Speaks as he replaces letter in envelojye.] 
My innocent bachelor flat in the Benedick shall appear to Una 
as the siren's bower, and to Fred as the tempter's abode. They 
shall both go there to surprise each other, and the deuce is in 
it if they don't become reconciled for life. [IJrqtjhart re-enters, 
c. L., with small bag open.] 

Urquhart. [l.] Where is Schlagg ? I rung and he doesn't 
answer. I want him to pack my trunks. 



42 LOVE IN HAEIS-ESS. 

Jul. Where are you going ? 

Tlrq^, I'm going to travel. I suppose I may travel ? 

Jul. How far ? 

TJrq. Alaska. [Schlagg enters^ l. c] 

Schlagg. Did you ring, sir ? 

Urq. [Giving him bag.] Pack my trunks. Put all my 
warm things in. 

jSchl. [c] Yes, sir. 

Urq. We start to-night. [Grosses, c] 

tSchl. [l.] We start. You and me, dat is ? 

Urq. Yes, for Alaska. 

Schl. [Sulkily.'] I don't know dose places. Who starts mit 
Alaska to-night ? 

Urq. You and I. Go along and pack up. [ Goes to desJc 
and looks over papers.] 

Schl. Vould it make some differences if ve did not go until 
to-morrow ? 

Urq. Are you crazy? 

Schl. I vas very sorry — I cannot start dis evening. 

Urq. Why not ? 

Schl. My vife haf just gome back to me already. 

Jul. Don't tear him away. He hasn't quarrelled with his 
wife. 

Schl. Ach, my vife and I, ve ain't no better as anybody elses 
— ve quarrel ; ve have words ; but ve make it ups. So often 
ve haf rows, so often ve haf make ups. Ach ! it is schweet dose 
evening togedder ven der is a row over. 

Urq. [Crosses, c, half angrg.] That will do. 

Schl. Yes, sir. 

ZTrq. You won't come with me ? 

Schl. My vife has only just come to me. 

Urq. Consider yourself discharged — [S7iatches bag from 
him.] on the spot. [Mcit, l. door.] 

Schl. [Speaks after him, with folded arms.] Tyrant ! Des- 
pot ! Czar ! 

Jul. [To himself] I'll stop this journey. [Stage, e.] 

Schl. [Coming forward familiarly.] Oh, thank you, sir. 

Jul. What's that ? 

Schl. You said you'd stop this journey, and I said thank 
you. 

Jul. Oh ! [Una enters followed by Antoinette. She is 
dressed to go out.] 

Una. Antoinette, get my travelling dress ready. John, get 
me a coupe. 

Schl. [l.] I vish respectfully to gif madam notice dat lam 



LOVE IN HAENESS. 43 

been discharged, and dat I take my vife vid me. De vife go 
wherefer ther husband go. 

Una. Mr. Urquhart discharges you ? Come to me. I en- 
gage you. 

Ant. Oh, merci, madame. \JExit, k. u. d.] 

Jul. [k.] That will make a hole in your four dollars. 

Una, [To Schlagg.] Now call a coupe. [Schlagg starts.] 

Jul. Going for that divorce ? 

Una, I'm going on a journey. [Schlagg stops."] 

Jul. Where ? 

Una. [Crosses, b.] To Canada. 

Jul. With four dollars ? People who go to Canada usually 
start with more than four dollars. 

Una. I have borrowed Antoinette's savings. She goes with 
me. 

Schl. I beg pardon, but my vife haf just been restored to 
me, and if ve start to-night 

Jul. [l.] You're in hard luck, Schlagg. Go and get that 
coupe. 

Schl. Ve see ! Canada ! My vife she congeal dere. [Mcitj 
c] 

Jul. So you are really going away ? 

Una. [Sits, e.] Does it incommode you ? 

Jul. Not in the least. 

Una. I believe I have the right ! 

Jul. [Aside.] Now for the march to the train ! 

Una. I consider myself quite free to do as I please. 

Jul. Certainly. Of course the divorce can wait until you 
come back, and in that case I needn't give you this — [Taking 
note from his pocket.] until you return. 

Una. [Eises.] What is it ? 

Jul. It's of no consequence, unless you were determined on 
having the divorce at once. 

Una. I can stop at the lawyer's on my way to the depot. 

Jul. [Tantalizingly.] Oh, there's no hurry. 

Una. Come, what have you got there ? [ Tries to read the 
letter over his shoulder. He ostentatiously puts it behind him 
as she goes on his l.] 

Jid. Something Fred thought might be useful in your suit. 
It's not important till the trial comes off. 

Una. Let me see it ! 

Jid. Fred expects, of course, that your lawyer will find your 
case insufficient, as you have no proofs, and being as eager as 
you to get the divorce as quickly as possible, he asked me 
to give you this, which removes every difficulty. 



44 LOVE IN HARNESS. 

Una. \Snatches the letter and crosses, r.] Give it to me ! 

Jul. yiiiibbing his hands and chuckling. /She turns and 
almost catches him.] I tliink you will agree with me that it 
leaves no room for doubt. [Turns and faces her.] 

Tina. \Reads^ "My sweetest sweet." \Looks at him.] 
"Your letter received. Shall expect you to-morrow at six, at 
the Benedick — Beatrice. Monday, the 8th." [Speaks.] The 
8th was yesterday. [Breathless.] The appointment is for to- 
day. 

Jul. Yes, to-day at six. That is what we may call some- 
thing tangible. 

Una. [3fuch excited.] This explains how he knew all 
about the flagrante delictu. He had one on hand. It was 
for this creature he refused to insult my mother. 

Jid. The intention was good. 

Una. Who is this person — this Beatrice? Do you know 
her? AVhoisshe? 

Jid. [Aside.] She can manufacture a story. Let me try. 

Una. Tell me all. 

Jid. I believe she's from the South — a Mexican. I think 
Mexico is quite south. 

U)ia. A southern Mexican ! Her name ! Her real name ! 

Jid. Anastasia! That's her real name. She's the wife of a 
major-general in the Mexican army, . now visiting in New 
York — Major-General Palo Alto Cerro Gordo. 

Una. [Crossing, l., and back to c] Mrs. Major-General 
Anastasia Palo Alto Cerro Gordo ! Oh, the wretch ! [ Weeping.] 
Where does she live ? 

Jul. At the Benedick Flats, corner of Sixth Avenue and 
Sixty-ninth Street. Take the elevator. 

Una. The " Benedick ! " [ Weej^s.] I shall remember. 
[Crosses up, r.] 

Jul. You don't thank me. 

Una. [Very woebegone.] Thank you. Oh! Oh! Oh! 
[Exit, R. u. D.] 

Jid. She'll be there at six o'clock. The next thing is to 
send Fred there. But he knows my writing. 

'Schlagg. [c. l., Enters and announces.] Dr. Hoffman ! 
[Exits. Hoffman enters, c] 

Jul. Ah, Charley ! [Holds out his hand.] 

Hoffman. [Holding him back with his hat, then clasping 
his hands behind him.] Excuse me, I must content myself 
with a merely formal recognition. 

Jul. [Imitating his manner.] I return the salute. 

Hoff. Miss Jenny refuses to marry me until her sisters are 



LOVE IN HARNESS. 45 

taken back by their husbands. My happiness is at stake for no 
fault of my own. I have come to ask you to take back your 
wife to oblige Jenny and me. 

Jul. This introduces a new complication. 

Hoff. My patients are sujffering. 

Jul, And an element of danger for life. 

Hoff. [ With a whine and an outburst^ falls on Juuus' 
ne<ik!\ Oh, you don't know how wi-etched I am. 

Jul. Yes, I do. I was engaged once. You'll get over it. 
\Struck icith an idea^ slaps him on the baclc^ The very man. 
Will you do me a favor ? 

Hoff. [Still iohi?iing.'] No. 

Jid. Then sit down here and write as I dictate. I pledge 
you my solemn vow that if you do, it as good as marries you 
to Jenny. 

Ifoff. [JTopefulfy.] Does it? As good as marries me? 
[Sits, K., at desk.] 

Jtd. It does. [Puts paper, ink, etc., before him, and hands 
him a pen.'] I only want you to write a short note. 

Soff. Go on. [Rhoda is passing from e. door to c, sto2:>s 
in surprise at the words ^'- Darling est Darling.^'] 

Jul. [Dictating.] "My Darlingest Darling. [Hoffman 
looks up in surprise ; Julius signs him to proceed. He does 
so, repeating each half line after Julius.] "You know that I 
love you, and if glances do not deceive, I feel that I am loved 
in return." 

Rhoda, [Aside^ Oh, heavens ! 

Jul. " As nothing separates us now, will you not grant me 
one interview — " [Hoffman looks up, Julius speaks.] Oh, 
you'll marry Jenny. This as good as marries her to you al- 
ready. [Dictates,] "I shall expect you at my rooms at six 
o'clock to-day. Yours — yours, always and ever yours." 
[Speaks\. Put a lot of exclamation marks. 

Hoff. [ Writes.] Exclamation marks. 

Jid. Sign, Major-General Palo Alto Cerro Gordo. 

Hoff. [Looks icp,] Why Palo Alto? Your name isn't 
Palo Alto Cerro Gordo. 

Jul. Yes it is. It's my nom de souper when I go on a lark. 
[Hoffman writes^ 

Rho. [Aside.] The little wretch ! His nom de souper. 

Jul. Palo Alto Cerro Gordo. Now the date and address, 
" The Benedick, Sixth Avenue and Sixty-ninth Street." 

Rho. The Benedick, Sixth Avenue and Sixty-ninth Street ! 

Hoff. Ah ! This as good as marries me to Jenny ! 

Jul, \_Seizes the letter, reads it over with a chuckle, blots 



46 LOVE IIS" HAENESS. 

it, folds it. Aside, going as Ehoda disappears.'] And now 
I shall tell Fred that I found this in his wife's room. [JEJxit, 

L. D.] 

Ifoff, He doesn't even thank me. 

Hho. {^Bursting in furiously and glaring tovKird door 
where Julius went out.] He has a flagrante delictu, too. He 
goes by a false name. He has private lodgings of his own. 
Major-General Palo Alto Cerro Gordo ! Another outrage upon 
our Mexican neighbors. Oh ! 

Hoff. [e., Uises timidly.] Mrs. Naggitt 

Rho, {^Advancing scon fully.] A nice business you are 
engaged in. Leave me, sir. [_IIe tries to speak^^ Not a word. 
Leave me. {^Crosses, r] 

Hoff. \Aside, goifig.] Never mind. I'm as good as married 
to Jenny. [M)cits, c. l. ] 

Hho. [Alofie.] The ]3enedick ! Six o'clock ! At six o'clock 
there'll be three at that rendezvous. [^xit, r. Schlagg, l., 
a^z^Z Antoinette, c, appear at opposite doors.] 

jSchlagg. [l.] Pst ! Tony! Pst ! 

Antoinette. Pst! [They are about to rush into each other'' s 
arms.] 

Schl. At last, after two weeks, we are alone. 

Ant. Alone ! [Schlagg a:bout to kiss her wheji Joblots 
enters, c. l.] 

Joblots. No one to show me up ! [Schlagg and Antoinette 
fly apart. Antoinette exits, e.] Where are my daughters ? 

/Schl. Och ! I know noding. 

Job. [c, Sinks in chair.] I feel remorse. They may be 
at this moment wandering the streets like the two orphans. 
[To Schlagg.] My wife is below in a hansom. She is crying. 
Even the cabman is affected. I wish to know if my sons-in- 
law had the cruelty to let my daughters depart. [Una enters, 
E. D.] Una I 

Una. [Falls on his neck, weeping ,] Oh, papa! oh! oh! 
[Schlagg exits, l. d.] 

Job. My poor child, calm yourself. Your father is left to 
you. So is your mother. She is below in a hansom, and she 
is crying. And the cabman is crying, too. 

Una. [Full of horror.] Oh, if you knew ! 

Job, Is there something else ? 

Una. [ Grosses, l.] My husband is false. He's got a 
grante delictu. 

Job. Fred ! Impossible ! 

Una. Mrs. Major-General Palo Alto Cerro Gordo, Sixth 
Avenue and Sixty-ninth Street, six o'clock. [Crosses, e.] 



LOVE IN HAKKESS. 47 

Joh. [Zooks at his watch. 1 You are dreaming ! 
Una. I wish I was. But I have proof . [Ihkes out letter 
and crumples it in her hand.^ Proofs, papa. Oh, papa ! 
don't be surprised at anything you hear. I feel I am going 
mad. [ Crosses, e.] It's emotional insanity I know. [ Crosses, 
L., up^ Remember that when I am on trial, I'm going to kill 
her — kiU him — kiU 'em both — both — both — kiU 'em both ! 
[Exits, L. c] 

Joh. Kill them ! Rash child ! What a day ! Sixth Avenue 
and Sixty-ninth Street. Oh, Una ! Una ! Both ! both ! Kill 
'em both ! \_Exit, l. c. Scklagg and Antoinette appear as he- 
fore and rush into each other'' s arms.'\ 

Schlagg. Mein Lieben ! 

Antoinette. After two weeks ! [About to kiss her, ichen 
Ubquhaet is heard outside. jBoth fly apart and exeunt, 
Schlagg, l., and Antoinette, e., as Ueqi:haet and. IMes. Joblots 
enter, c] 

JJrquhart. [Very angry; xr.alks cdl round room icith the 
letter icritten hy Hoffman o/^e??. in his hand.] Such a letter to 
my wife ! [Calls at door, b.] Una! [Ope7is it.] She is gone! 
There is no room for doubt ! [Throics himself in chair, l.] 

Mrs. Joblots. [Greatly agitated, folloic in g Uequhaet from 
door to door.] "What is going on ? First Una came down, then 
Jeremiah ; he shouted, " Go home," and fled up the street like 
mad. Where have they gone ? 

U^rq. [Rises.] Do you wish to know where Una is going ? 
[Crosses, -R.] 

Mrs. J. Yes. 
JJrq. Read that. [Gives her letter.] 

Mrs. J. Um — um — Six o'clock — Yours always — Major-Gen- 

eral Palo Alto 

Urq. Cerro Gordo ! Yes. At the Benedick, Sixth Avenue 
and Sixty-ninth Street. Your daughter has gone to meet 
him. 

3Irs. J. A daughter of mine ! You are taking leave of your 
senses ! 

Urq. We shall see. I'm going too. [ Crosses round sofa.] 

Mrs. J. Do. 

Urq. There'll be three at that rendezvous. 

Mrs. J. Good ! 

Urq. And I shall kill 'em — aU — aU — [Exit, c] 

Mrs. J. KiU 'em all ! [Screams and fcdls on sofa in strong 
hysterics. Hofeman runs in, c, Schlagg, l., a?ic? Antoinette, e.] 

Schlagg. Run for a doctor ! 

Hoffman. I'm a doctor ! 



48 LOVE IN HARNESS. 

Mrs. J. [Seizes both his hands,} Doctor'J [Gasping,] 
The — the Benedick 

JToff. Yes 

Mrs. J. Sixth Avenue and Sixty-ninth Street. 

Hoff. Yes 

Mrs. J. Six o'clock — I must be there, 

Hoff, You can't ! You're too weak ! 

Mrs. J. Carry me ! [Hoffman swings her into seat, l. c, 
which ScsLkGGf puts forward.'] 

Hoff. This as good as marries me to Jenny ! [He and 
ScHLAGG pick up the chair with Mrs. Joblots and carry her off,. 
Antoinette /b//o^/;^?^^ and fanning her.] 

Quick Curtain. 



ACT in. 

Scene. — An apartment in the " Benediclc Flats ; " l. c, an 
arch at the hack showing an inner room and an opening, 
0., looking 07i a staircase. Table, c, with writing uten- 
sils. Chandelier and suspended lamp. Sofa and easy 
chairs scattered about. Screen up e. Doors, r. and l. 
1 e. and R. 0. Window, l. g. 

Julius. [Enters, c, rubbing his hands, and in quite good spir- 
its, looks round, rings bell on table.] It's all right. Nothing to 
do but let them in when they call ; and I've got the daughter 
of the porter to act as my housekeeper for the day, answer the 
bell and refuse to answer anything else. She belongs to the 
American Conservatory and Metropolitan School of Amateur 
Acting, but otherwise she seems to be bright, intelligent, and 
capable. Her father's name is Tucks, but we call her Myrtilla. ' 
[Myrtilla si7igs outside.] There she is now. [Rings again. 
The American Conservatory has much to answer for. [Rings] 
again. Myrtilla e?iters, quite brightly dressed.] 

Myrtilla. [l., Drops a courtesy.] Did you ring, sir ? 

Jul. [Seated.] Yes. How does your new part suit you so 
far? 

Myr. [l., Gushingly.] It's just in my style. Nothing to 
do, no one to wait on even, for nobody ever comes. 

Jul. You'll have plenty of work to-day. You'll have to open 
the door twice. 



LOYE IN HARNESS. 49 

ilfyr. Is that all ? 

Jul. [Bises.l No. 

il/yr. Oh ! the work's beginnirig to be harder than I 
thought. 

Jicl. Listen. Two persons will call — separately. One a 
gentleman, the other a lady. 

J/yr. [l.] Good enough. [iN'oc?^.] 

Jul. The gentleman may bounce in like a bombshell. [She 
starts back.] Don't be afraid of him. K he begins to break 
the furniture, simply get out of his way. 

M^r. I'm to let him do it. 

Jul. Yes. He may behave himself. He may simply ask for 
Major-General Palo Alto Cerro Gordo. Tell him he's out and 
ask him to wait. [Sitting on corner of table.] 

Myr^ That's easy. 

Jul. He may inquire if a lady has called. If the lady has 
arrived before him, tell him "Yes." 

Myr. And if the lady has not arrived I'm to tell him "No." 

Jul. You've got it like a book. [ Crosses, l.] 

Myr. It's not hard. In fact, only simple truth. 

Jul. The lady may appear excited, and she also may bounce 
in like a bombshell. 

3Iyr. That makes two bombshells. 

Jul. [Sitting l. of table.] Or she may act like a well-bred, 
sensible person, for she happens to be one, and she comes after 
her husband. She also will ask for Major-General Palo Alto 
Cerro Gordo. 

3Iyr. Ah, she is Mrs. Major-General Palo Alto Cerro Gordo. 

Jul. No. She is not. 

Myr. When wiU Mrs. Major-General "What's-her-name 
come ? 

Jul. Mrs. Major-General Palo Alto and so forth will never 
come. There is no such person. I am the Major-General and 
Mrs. Major-General Palo, etc., etc. When she asks for me, 
tell her I'm out, and ask her to wait. 

3Iyr. Well, if she don't come. 

Jul. [Not heeding.] If she inquires whether a gentleman 
has arrived, you will answer yes or no, according to the fact. 

Myr. Then I'm to act toward the lady exactly as I act 
toward the gentleman ? 

Jul. Precisely, and when they are both here, you will leave 
them together. [Crosses, l.] 

3Iyr. Shall I ask 'em if they want dinner ? 

Jul. Certainly. Let them have plenty of ice-water and 
crackers. If you hear a row pay no attention. They are hus- 
4 



50 LOVE IN HARNESS. 

band and wife, and they have a few conundrums to put to each 
other. Be attentive, careful, and discreet, and you will re- 
ceive fifty dollars per week, with a chance of promotion. [Myr- 
TiLLA gasps with joy. Aside.'] I only want her a week. 

Myr, Oh ! Thank you ! 

Jul. One more important detail. If either or both of them 
try to hide from the other, let them do it. If necessary, assist. 
[^JBell heard very violently.^ 

Myr. Number one. 

Jul. [l.] Open the door. I'll take the back stairs. Above 
all, discretion — and remember the cues in the part I've given 
you. Don't stick, for I shan't be here to prompt you. 

Myr.. Oh, I won't stick. [Exits singing up e. Off c. l.J 

J id. She is evidently studying for soubrette. \Bell heard."] 
She stops. She's at the door. A man's voice. I vanish. [Mcit 
lower door. J l. h.] 

Vrquhart. [Bursts hito room at c, followed 5y Myrtilla.] 
Major-General Palo Alto Cerro Gordo ! 

Myr. [At bach.] I told you he was gone out. [Urquhaet 
searches about the room.] Bombshell number one. 

XJrq. Gone out, is he ? Gone out where ? 

Myr, [Down,^^ Don't ask conundrums. You can wait. 

TJrq. I intend to. Are you alone ? 

Myr. How alone ? 

TJrq. Is there no one else here ? 

Myr. Yes. 
Urq. [ Grasps her. In a hoarse whisper.] "Who ? 

Myr. You ! [He throws her off.] 

Urq. I mean who else is in the house besides us ? 

Myr. There's a family on every floor. 

Urq. Stupid ! Is there any one else on this flat but you 
and me ? 

Myr. Nobody ! I swear it ! [Melodramatically.] 
Urq. [Pidling her rotmd.] Idiot! [Facing her.] And 
pray how is this master of yours — this Major-General Pcdo 
Alto Cerro Gordo, as he calls himself ? 

Myr. [e.] He's pretty well. 

Urq. The girl's a fool. Is he young ? Is he old ? What's 
he like ? Can you pull your senses together and describe him ? 
Let me see his picture ! 

Myr. I haven't got his picture. He never gave me his pho- 
tograph. But he's lovely ; not at all like you. [Uequhart crosses, 
E.] A regular ladies' man ! 

Urq. The girl is hopeless ! Is there a Mrs. Major-General 
Palo Alto ? 



LOVE IN HARNESS. §1 

[ Myr. Oh, yes ! 

Vrq. Where is she ? 

Myr. Gone out with him. 

TJrq. He must be quite an original, to make an appointment 
n his own house, with his wife likely to pop in at any moment. 
My wife, of course, will pretend that she came to visit his wife. 
Ha! ha! A blmd ! [7b Myrtllla.] Listen to me! \Pulh 
her round and faces her 'brusquely,'] 

3fyr. I've been listening ; but you mumbled so I could only 
catch a word here and there. 

TJrq. [ Giving her money.'] Idiot child ! here are five 
dollars. 

Mi/r. [l.] They are only worth seventy-seven and three- 
fourth cents on the dollar. \^Dro2^s them into her pocket.] 

JJrq. Listen. \_She puts her hand to her ear to listen. Se 
pulls her hand doum.] Answer me: Doesn't your master ex- 
pect a lady this afternoon ? 

3fyr. He does. 

Urq. That's aU I wish to know. [ Crosses, l., round, and 
starts off in a fury.] 

Myr. Then five dollars are too much. I'U give you back 
the change. 

Urq. [r., Pressing her hand hack into her pocket.] No — 
keep it, and conceal me somewhere. When that lady and the 
major-general are together, come and tell me. [ Crosses, l.] 

3Iyr. Right away ? 

Urq. In five minutes ! No — two minutes. On second 
thought — come and tell me instantly. 

Myr. I'll show you to a room off the entry. It's nothing- 
more than a closet ; but you won't be dull, there's a Webster's 
Dictionary on the shelf. [Bell] Here comes the lady. [ Goes 
to apartment at back and points to door, l. ] You go that way. 
I'll let her in. [Mcit si7iging. l. c. Dancing around front 
table.] 

Urq. And that girl can sing while a terrible tragedy hovers 
over these gilded salons. [ Goes up and liste^is.] I can't hear 
the voice, it's too low. Let's be sure it is she, and then — 
[ Goes behind the screen.] 

[JoBLOTS enters, followed by Myetilla.] 

Joblots. [r., Taking a card from his card-case.] I wish 
to see Mrs. Major-General Palo Alto Cerro Gordo, if you 
please. Here is my card. 

Urq. \IjOoks over the screen^] Poor old gentleman I his 
wife must have told him. 



52 LOVE IN HARNESS. 

Myrtilla. \i,., JReads card.'\ Mr. Jeremiah Joblots. [Aside'] 
This complicates matters. I had no instructions about him. 
\_Aloud.] She's gone out, sir. 

Job. I'll wait for her. 

Myr. Very sorry, but I can't allow you to do that. 

Job. Is the major-general in? 

Myr. No, sir. 

Job. Then I'll wait for him. 

3Iy7\ Can't allow that neither. 

Job. [Sli2^s a coin in her hand.'] Here's half a dollar for 
you. Lend me a pen and a sheet of paper. [Aside.'] I will 
write a letter to the misguided woman who is luring my son-in- 
law to destruction. [Sits at table and helps himself to inky 
paper .^ etc.] 

3Iyr. He takes it easy. [Bites the money to test it.] 

Job. ['Writes.] "Madame: It is a father who addresses 
you. I implore you to consider my daughter's happiness. Give 
up my son-in-law and accept the inclosed check for one thou- 
sand " — [Pauses a moment and crosses it. ] No — ' ' five hundred " 
— [Same business.] No — "two hundred and fifty;" yes, 
"two hundred and fifty dollars. KesjDectfuUy." [Pauses, then 
crosses it out.] No — " Cordially " — [Sam,e business^ No — 
"Sincerely" — [Same business.] No 

Myr. [Kneeling on chair by table.] Better make up your 
mind to one or the other. 

Job. [Writes.] "Truly yours, Jeremiah Joblots." [Puts 
letter ill envelope and directs it.] "Mrs, Major-General Palo 
Alto C err o Gordo." [JRises and gives it to Myrtilla.] Here, 
my child. [ Chucks her under the chi7i.] Sweet innocent ! 
Hand this to your mistress, and when Mr. tJrquhart comes 

Myr. [l.] I don't know any Mr. TJrquhart. 

Job. [r.] I understand aU about that. You are paid to 
know nothing. I haven't sat on the front row of the orchestra 
all my life not to know how this sort of thing is managed. But 
I have paid you fifty cents to be honest, and you mustn't try to 
deceive me. Listen ! [ Crosses, l.] Be attentive. [ Goes to 
loindoiD.] I am gomg to the restaurant on the opposite corner. 
When Mr. TJrquhart — [Myrtilla onakes a gesture.] I know 
3^ou are going to tell me again you don't know him, but never- 
theless when he comes place yourself here and wave something 
— [Gets to windoiv.] something conspicuous — a tablecloth, or 
anything. 

Myr. And all that for half a dollar ! 

Job. [Giving money.] Here, take a dollar. 

Myr. [Mcami?i.es it.] , It's only half a dollar. 



LOYE IN HARNESS. 53 

Job, And half a dollar before makes a dollar. \Exits, c. l.] 

Myr. A dollar ! I won't wave anything but a handker- 
chief. 

Urquhart. [ Comes from behind screen.'] Here are five dollars 
more. You'll wave nothing at all. [Gives her silver money. '\ 

Myr. [l.] All right. [Pockets the mo9iey.] 

Urq. He gave you a letter. Give it to me. 

Myr. But 

Urq. Here's five dollars more. [ Giving money.] 

3fyr. If I should fall overboard now, I'd sink. [ Crosses, e.] 

Urq. [Taking letter from Myktilla] I will return the 
letter to its proper owner. Have no fear. [Pockets it as the 
hell rings violently.] There's a ring. 

Myr. Go to your dictionary. [Bell rings again, very furi- 
ously.] I'm coming! I'm coming! Off with you! [Opens 
door up E. for Uequhaet.] 

Urq. Don't forget to let me know the moment they are to- 
gether. [Bell again violently rung. He exits.] 

Myr. Oh, can't you have patience ? [ExitSy singing.] The 
bell goes a-ringing for Sarah. [Bell is heard ringing all the time. 
It suddenly stops; a door is heard to slam; voices in altercation, 
and Myetilla comes flying back before the impetuous entrance of 
Una, who dashes around the whole room, examining every corner. 
Her veil is partly down; it is rather a heavy one.] 

Una. Where are they? The cowards! The vile, miserable 
creature ! Oh, you needn't hide. I'll find you. Not a soul! 
[Sinks in chair.] Not a shadow ! 

My7\ [Timidly, e. of table.] Bombshell number two. 
[Advancing.] Do you wish to see anybody, madam ? 

U/ia. 1 wish to see your mistress. [Starting.] 

Myr. She's out. 

U?ia. I'll wait till she comes in. 

Myr. Yes, ma'm. 

Ufia. Describe her ! 

3fyr. Describe her ? 

Una. How does she look ? What is she like ? 

Myr. [Crosses, l., strutting.] Oh ! awful stylish ! 

Una. [e.] Oh ! [Hand to heart.] Here ! [Takes out 
her 2?ocket-book.] Take this pocket-book. It contains four 
dollars and a postage-stamp. And now tell me, is she married ? 

3Iyr. Oh, yes, indeed ! 

Uia. Does her husband live with her ? 

Myr. Of course. 

Una. Fred will pretend that he came to see the husband. 
[Bell heard.] Hide me ! Hide me quick! [Pwis up, c] 



54 LOVE IN HARNESS. 

Myr. No, no, here ! \Pats her in e. 1 e. Feeling the pocket- 
hook.'] If that sort of thing goes on I'll soon be able to invest 
in real estate. \JExit, c. l., singing a lively air.'] 

Una. [Heappears at door.] I can't hear a word. It must 
be he. 

Mrs. Johlots. [Outside.] I will go np. 

Una. No, it is she. [iJisappears.] 

Mrs, J, \Enters, c.^ followed hy Myetilla, is quite hyster- 
ical^ My child, my innocent child 1 Give me back my inno- 
cent child ! \_Faci7ig Myetilla.] 

Myr. [r.] I haven't got your child. Whom are you lookr 
ing for ? 

Mrs. J. My child is not guilty. She is only headstrong. 
[Sinks in chah\ e. c. Myetilla fa7%s her vnth a magazine.] 

Hoffman, [l., Entering, c, after Mes. Joblots.] Where 
can she be ? 

Mrs. J. Why did you come up? I told you to stay in the 
cab. I don't want you to pollute your young mind with this 
dreadful business. \Rises^^ 

Soff'. [Crosses to her.] But I know everything already, 
and I beg you to come away. This is no place for you. 

Mrs. J. A mother's place is beside her child when that 
child is in danger. 

Myr. [l., Aside.] He didn't tell me anything about aU 
these people. What am I to do with 'em ? [Aloud, to Mes. 
JoBLOTS.] Haven't you made some mistake, ma'am? Whom 
do you wish to see ? 

Mrs. J. [ Grosses, c] I wish to see your master, the major- 
general. 

Hoff. You're right. It is better to see him. Suppose I 
take charge of the matter on your behalf ? 

Mrs. J. But first — my daughter. Has she got here yet? 

Jloff. [e.. Surprised.] Was she to come ? 

Mrs. J. Yes ; nothing could prevent her. Stop. [ Goes to 
table and writes.] 

Hoff'. [ Up stage, e. Beckons to Myetilla.] Is the lady 
here? 

Myr. Yes. In there. [Points to e. 1 e., and gets hack, l.] 

Hoff. Thanks. [Goes to door, e. 1 e., and holts it.] There ! 

Mrs. J. [Beads.] " Sir, it is a mother who addresses you. 
Spare a wretched parent her daughter who was married but 
eighteen months in October, and believe me yours, ever grate- 
fully. " [Folds it and puts it in an envelope. To Myetilla, 
who looks on with open-mouthed wonder as she is licking the 
gum side,] You don't know the feelings of a grown-up mother 



LOVE IN HAKIS^ESS. 55 

with her wretched daughters. [Writes address.] Major-Gen- 
eral Palo Alto Cerro Gordo. [Hands it to Myetilla.] Give 
this to your master as soon as possible, and when the lady 
comes — [With emotion, wringing her handkerchief.] tell her that 
her mother is waiting for her in the basement. [Exits, c. l.] 

JToff. [To Myrtilla, steriili/.] Now then, where is Mr. 
Naggitt? 

M]/r. Mister who ? 

^off. Mr. Naggitt. Come, come, don't play innocent. I 
know everything. 

Mi/r. Do you ? That's where you have the advantage. If 
you'll explain 

JEToff. Listen. Mr. Naggitt, your master, is fooling his wife. 
He told me so himself. 

Mi/r. But I don't know any !Mr. Naggitt. I'm engaged here 
by Major-General Palo Alto 

JSbff. Cerro Gordo ! I know. You are employed by a Mr. 
Julius Naggitt, who calls himself Cerro Gordo when he goes on 
a lark. But there's no necessity to make a noise. Simply tell 
your master when he comes that his wife and his mother-in-law 
know everything. 

Mi/r. [Crestfallen.] Proceed. 

Hoff. And tell them that I am waiting in the basement. 

Myr. I can't promise anything. My head's buzzing. 
[Crosses, r.] 

JRhoda. [Enters, c. As soon as she sees the others she lowers 
a heavy veil over her face.] He here too ? 

Hoff. [To Myrtdlla.] I thought you told me the lady was 
in there ? 

Myr. [On seeiiig Rhoda throws up both hands.] What, 
another ? That's enough ! No more for me ! I'm through ! 
[Darts out, c. l.] 

Hoff. [As Rhoda goes down, l.] Madam ! I have not the 
honor of your acquaintance, but I am the friend of your friend, 
Mr. Naggitt ; in fact, I'm almost his brother-in-law. I wish to 
warn you that his wife knows aU. 

Bho. [l.. Raises her veil] Thank you. 

Soff. Mrs. Naggitt ! 

Hho. I see you continue to lend your assistance to my hus- 
band in this vile business. Leave the house. 

Hoff. But please — only Hsten to one word. 

Hho. Silence. 

Hoff. Julius told me it as good as married me to Jenny. 

Bho. Indeed ! Well, take my word for it, you may say 
good-by to Jenny and all hopes in that quarter. [Stage, l.] 



56 LOVE IN HAENESS. 

Jloff. Can Julius have deceived me ? 

Jiho. He deceives everybod}^ his wife included. 

Hoff. Then he'll get caught now, and serve him right. 
Good-morning! [Mcit, c] 

Una. [Shakes door, k] Open the door ! I hear you in 
there ! 

Jiho. A woman's voice ! 

Una. Open, I say ! 

Hho. It must be his darlingest darling. [Xowers her veil, 
while Una rattles at the door.] Enter, madam ! [ Ojyefis the 
door, Una hursts in, and both speak at the same time.] 

Una. Where's 

Uiia and Mho. My husband ! 

Mho. [Maisioig her veil.] Una ! 

Una. Ehoda ! 

Mho. What are you doing here ? 

Una. What are you doing here ? 

Mho. Julius is false, I have the proof. 

U7ia. Fred is deceiving me. I have the proofs. [ Crosses, 
L.] She fs to meet him here at six o'clock. 

Mho. So is Julius. 

Una. [ Closing on her.] This is why they wanted a divorce. 
I'm going to faint i Air ! Give me air ! [ Goes to window, 
throios it open, and fans herself loith handkerchief^ The 
wretches ! to want to get rid of us so soon. 

Mho. They want a divorce, do they ! We'll get a divorce 
and marry someone else. 

Una. No, I won't. I've had quite enough. [Breaking 
doiU7i.] And I loved him so ! 

Mho. [Also breaking doion.] So did I ! 

Una. And in two weeks he forgets me for Mrs. Major-Gen- 
eral Anastasia Palo Alto Cerro Gordo. [Bell.] 

Mho. Here they come. [They pull down their veils and 
stand 071 each side the c. door.] The wretches ! 

Joblots. [Miters, c, followed by Myetilla.] Now, then, 
where is he ? 

Myrtilla. Where is who ? 

Job. You gave me the signal at the window. 

3fyr. I ? [Goes and closes loindoio. ] 

Una and MJio. [As they unveil.] Papa ! 

Job. Una! Rhoda! [They throio themselves i7i his arms.] 

Una. Both our husbands have deceived us. [Myetuxa ex- 
its with uplifted hands.] 

Job. Both ? 

Una. [Mousi7ig herself ] Papa, call a policeman ! [Crosses, l.] 



LOVE I]S" HAENESS. 57 

Job. Be calm ! 

Rho. \Also rousing herself.'] Call two policemen — [ Crosses, 
R.] and have both of 'em taken up ! 

tTob. I will call your mother, who is weeping in the basement. 

Hho. Why don't the wretches come ? Perhaps they have 
been warned. [I^ell heard. They run up, crossing at back.] 

Una. At last ! [TjOioe?'s her veil ; Ehoda does the same. 
They stand aside, r. andi.., of c. door, as Julius entei's.] 

Jidius. [Miters cautiously.'] Pst ! Myrtilla ! Pst ! Pst ! 
Myrtilla ! Where are you ? 

Rho. [Aside.] My little wretch, 111 give him Myrtilla ! 
[Approaches from behind and gives him a box on the ear just 
as he turyis up stage.] 

Jul. Oh ! Who the deuce are you ? 

Rho. [r., Unveils.] Who am I ? 

Jul. [l.] My wife ! 

Bho. Your wife ! who begs the honor of an introduction 
to your Myrtilla, or whatever she calls herself, on the instant. 

Jul. My dear, you are mistaken. 

Bho. Mistaken, you imp ! [About to seize his ear, Julius 
retreats down stage, and gets, e. She restrains herself.] I won't 
touch you, don't be afraid ; you'd make a point of it in court. 
But I'll find your Myrtilla, no matter where you hide her. 
[Exits, c, Una throws herself in chair, e, sobbing.] 

Jul. Who is that ? Una, of course. Good. [ Goes to her.] 
My dear young lady. [She lifts her veil, he affects to be sur- 
prised.] Dear me ! why, Mrs. Urquhart ! Have you seen your 
husband yet ? 

Una. [Decisively.] Not yet, the monster ! But I'm waiting 
for him. 

Jul. [Aside.] What can Myrtilla be doing? Fred must 
be here somewhere. [Myrtilla enters, c, peering round the 
room, and seeing Julius, flies to him.] 

Myrtilla. Ah ! One familiar face at last ! [Seizes both hands, 
shakes them effusively, and smuggles to his side.] 

Jul. [Getting, c, to avoid her.] Don't do that. [Moves off.] 
Where's the gentleman ? 

Myr. The gentleman ? Which one ? Oh ! [Becollecting.] 
In the dictionary closet. [Points off r. u. door.] 

Jul. Go and call him. 

Myr. He told me to come and tell him when you and the 
lady were together. But I am so mixed. There's been a regu- 
lar circus here since you went away. Such a lot of people ! 
Old people, young people, tall, short, lean, fat, masculine, fem- 
inine — all sorts. I am bewildered. [Stage, l.] 



58 LOVE IN HARNESS. 

Jul. What are you raving about ? [ Crosses, e.] 

Una. [Seated, l., to Myrtilla.] Will you please go and 
tell Mr. Urquhart ? 

Myr. I don't know Mr. Urquhart. 

Jul. It's the gentleman in the closet. Go. 

Myr. Oh ! I see ! [Staring at Una.] 

Jul. Go at once ! 

Myr. Eight off. [Darts off, k. u. door.] 

Una. [Eeproachfidly.l You, too, are deceiving your wife. 

Jul. [Solem7ily.] I swear 

Una. Don't swear ! She has proofs ! 

Jul. Has she? Then I'm off! [Urquhaet heard outside.] 
There's Fred ! [Darts off l. 1 e. and locks it as Urquhaet enters 
L. u. E., and seeing the ^figure disapj)ear dashes after it.] 

Urquhart. You scoundrel ! [Shaking the door and trying 
to force it.] I'll find you yet ! 

Una. [As he turns and faces her, she advances.] Now, sir ! 
I suppose you'll tell me you came to see the general, and not 
his wife ! 

Urq. I certainly did. 

Una. I was sure of it. 

Urq. And you came to see the wife and not the general ? 

Una. Certainly ! The brazen hussey ! 

Urq. Enough of this. Your presence and mine in this 
place explains all. 

Una. [Stage, r.] I should think so. [Mr. a7id Mrs. Job- 
lots speah outside in hot dispute^ 

Johlots. [Outside.'\ Let us find them. 

Mrs. Johlots. No use of shouting. [Miters, c] 

Johlots. [Entering.] Let us have a full understanding. 

Mrs. J. It's my right to question my daughter first. [Ad- 
vancing to Una, sternly.] Una ! What are you doing here? 

Una. [r.] I have been waiting for him I [Points to Urqu- 
haet.] 

Mrs. J. [e. c] Unhappy child ! You know you were wait- 
ing for Major-General Palo Alto Cerro Gordo. 

Una. [Quickly.] No — his wife. 

Urq. [Laughs.] As I foresaw. Luckily, I read this 
letter. 

Job. [l. c] She is right. She is waiting for the wife — the 
woman who. has lured Frederick on to destruction. 

Urq. I beg- pardon ! Lured me ? 

Mrs. J No, darling. I read his letter to her. 

Una. [7I> Mrs. Joblots.] What letter? 

Job. Yes, what letter ? 



LOYE IN HARNESS. 59 

3Irs. J. A letter from the general, which Frederick gave me 
to read. 

Urq. Exactly. 

Job, [7b Uequhaet.] Do you know this Mexican ? 

Urq. The fellow just escaped me. He was warned by her 
in time. 

Mrs. J. My child, beg your husband's pardon and promise 
never to do so any more. 

Una. Pardon ! For what ? 

Urq. [GrosseSy c] For what ? [Indig^iantly.^ What are 
you doing here ? 

Una. Watching you ! 

Job. Yes — you ! 

Una. And your Anastasia — your sweetest sweet Mexican. 

Urq. My Anastasia ? My Mexican f 

Una. [To others.] Why, he sent me her letter himself by 
his brother-in-law. 

Urq. [Angrily.l What letter ? 

Una. Her letter to you making an appointment for six 
o'clock to-day. 

Bhoda. [Re-enters, c] I can't find anybody. 

Mrs. J. Khoda ! Where did you come from ? 

Mho. [c] I came to catch them. 

Mrs. J. Came to catch your sister ? 

JRho. [Crosses to Mks. Joblots.] My sister? How you 
talk, mamma. No, Julius — Julius and his Myrtilla. 

Mrs. J. [Looks at Joblots, and both look at the others, then 
back at Rhoda.] What are you talking about? 

Mho. [Breaking into tears?^ It's nothing but the truth. 

Job. [Placing all the others at intervals on either side so as 
to catechise each clearly.] Stop a bit. Let's get this thing into 
some kind of shape. [Back to audience and speaking to 
Rhoda.] You say your husband has a Myrtilla ? 

Una. And she lives here ! I saw her ! 

Mrs. J. [To Ukquhart.] I shouldn't be surprised if that 
was your Mexican ! 

Urq. Madam ! 

Mrs. J. Keep your temper ! 

Urq. It was Julius gave me the letter from that military 
fellow to my wife. 

Job. Stop. [To Rhoda.] What led you to suspect your 
husband ? 

Bho. I heard him dictating a letter to Dr. Hoffman, making 
a rendezvous at this house for six o'clock to-day. 

Mrs. J. Then she lives here — with the general. 



60 LOVE IN HARNESS. 

Itho. Of course she does. 

Job. Then the general is married ? 

U7ia. Of course he is. 

Mrs. J. And Juhus is in love with the general's wife ? 

TJ7ia. No, no ; Frederick is in love with her. 

Hho. No, no ; don't you understand ? Julius is the gen- 
eral himself. 

All. Ah ! 

Job. This is enoug-h to drive a man crazy. \^All but Rhoda 
go u}:^ stage m despair and give up the problem.^ 

Hoffman. \Ente7'ing, c] Oh, Mr. Joblots, I'm so glad T 
found you. 

Job. He'll explain. [Seizes Hoffman by one hand.'] 

JRho. My witness. \_/Seizes the other.] 

3Irs. J. Your witness ! 

Rho. He wrote the letter. [ To Hoffman.] Be frank. Yes 
or no. Does my husband correspond with another person ? 

Hoff. I— I-^— 

Rho. Speak out ! 

All. [c] Speak out ! 

Hoff. Well, I did write a letter at his dictation, but I 
wouldn't have done it if he hadn't said it as good as married 
me to Jenny. 

Job. ^Severely?] Where is that letter ? 

Hoff. I gave it to Julius, of course, and he sent it. 

JJrq. Where ? 

Hoff\ I don't know. 

TJna. [Crosses to him.] But you wrote it? 

Hoff. I wrote the letter, not the address. 

Job. So much for that letter. [Crosses iJo Mrs. Joblots.] 
Now for the letter you saw. 

Mrs. J. Thafs it. 

Job. [ Crosses to Uequhart.] And the one you saw ! 

Crq. That's it. 

Job. [Crosses ^0 Rhoda.] And Rhoda's letter ? 

Hoff\ That's it. Same one. 

Job. [c] I thought I'd untangle it. The whole thing's 
as plain as a pipe-stem. Julius corresponds with an unknown 
female, and gets the doctor to v^ite his letters. 

Rho. [Impatiently.] That's what I said. 

Una. But how about the letter I saw ? The letter from the 
hussey herself ? [Joblots about to take it, Uequhart snatches it, 
doion on r. of Una.] 

Vrq. Don't know it. Never saw the woman's handwriting 
before. [It is p)<^tssed round to all rapidly, icho sp)eak in turr^.] 



LOYE IN HARNESS. 61 

Omnes. * 'I don't know it." ''Never saw it." "No." "Wholly 
unfamiliar," etc. 

Una. [To whom the letter is finally restored.'] Do you 
deny your guilt? [To Uequhaet.] 

Vrq. Certainly I do. 

Una. In the face of this ? It's too much ! 

3rrs. J. [ Crosses to HorFMA>j. ] As for you, doctor, I am 
sui'prised that you should help Julius in his equivocal corre- 
spondence. 

Hojf. [Appeali?ic/l(/ to Joblots.] Upon my word and honor, 
as 1 stand here, I did it aU for the best. Julius said it as good 
as married me to Jenny. 

tTob. You are a serpent, sir, whom I will never take by the 
hand as a son-in-law. [ Waves him off?^ 

Hoff. I'm ruined ! Oh Jenny ! Jenny ! [Bushes out, r., 
a?id nearly collides with Myetilla, who enters and an- 
nounces.] 

Jlyrtilla. Mr. and jMi's. Major-Gen eral Palo Alto Cerro 
Gordo. 

Omnes. At last ! Now we'll see ! [All turn their hacks to 
front as Julius enters, c, hat in hand.] 

Julius. Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon ! 

All. JuHus ! 

Jid. Yes, Julius, who played this little game in order to 
prove to this gentleman- — [Indicating Uequhaet.] that he was 
desperately in love with his wife, and to this lady — [Pointing to 
Una, c] that she was hopelessly infatuated with her husband. 
Their mutual jealousy proves the fact. The letter which I 
dictated to our young friend, the doctor, I myself handed to 
Fred. 

Urq. [l.] That's true. 

Jul. And I gave the letter which I wrote myself in a dis- 
guised hand to you. [To Una.] Now kiss and make up. 
[Seeing them hesitate.] Well? 

Urq. [To Una.] Can you — 

Una. Forgive me? [Seizes her in his arms.] 

Urq. How I have made you suffer ! The fault was wholly 
mine. 

Una. Hush ! Let the blame be mine. [As they are going 
up stage lovingly, she looks back over her shoulder to her sister.] 
Rhoda ! 

Hho. Well? 

Una. Do as I do ; they are too much for us. 

JRho. [To Julius, who has been eyeing her quizzically.^ 
Well, aren't you going to say anything ? 



62 LOVE IN HARNESS. 

Jul, {Taking her round her icai8t?\^ How I've made you 
suffer ! 

Rho. The fault was mine. 

Jul. No it wasn't — it was mine. 

Rho. No, mine. 

Jul. Well, we'll toss up for blame. Y^hey go aside, e.] 

Jenny. [ Outside.^ Are you sure ? 

Hoffman. [Outside.'] Sure. 

Mrs. J. Jenny's voice ! 

Job. I believe it is. [Jenny enters luith Hoffman and Mye- 

TILLA ] 

Myr. [Announcing.'] Two more bombshells. 

Jenny. _ [Flies to her father and mother and kisses them.] 
Oh, mamma ! Oh, papa ! I'm so glad to find you again. I 
thought you'd never come home. I was so frightened, and I 
took Sarah and went to sister Ehoda's husband's house and 
found that he had moved, then I went to sister Una's husband's 
house and found that you had all come up here, and we came 
up here, too, and just as we got near here, whom should we run 
across but Charley — Doctor Charles, I mean — in an awful state 
of desperation, but I persuaded him to return with me and all 
would be explained. 

Job. It has been ! It has been ! Charley, you may marry 
my only remaining daughter. 

IIoff\ [Crosses to Jenny, both get, k.] Shall I? Then I am 
as good as married already. 

Mrs. J. Your sisters and their husbands are reconciled. 

Jenny. Are you sure ? For good ? 

Mrs. J. We shall see. 

TJrq. [Advancing with Una.] I have the honor to ask for 
the hand of your daughter. 

Rho. [ To Julius.] If Frederick does, I'm sure you ought 
to. 

Jid. [To Ukquhart.] That's both rhyme and reason, eh, 
old chappie? Behold us, too ! [Adimnces ^^^^^ Khoda.] 

JJna. Behold us four ! [All kneel?[ 

JJrq. And make us happy ! 

Rho. We promise faithfully to never more distress you. 

Job. On that condition, children, bless you ! bless you ! 
[All rise.] 

3frs. J. Oh, how it comforts me to see this cooing. 
The Manual did it, and it's all my doing. 
Here ! [Thrusts book into Una's hand.] 
You find it. See page twenty ; 
There are fitting sentiments in plenty. 



LOVE IN HAKNESS. 63 

' Jjna. [Turns to page.^ '' Divorce proceedings." 

3Irs. J. [Annoyed.^ No, tinn over. 

Una. [Turns page.] "How to keep a husband still a 
lover." 

Mrs. J. Ah ! 

Job. Don't speak unkindly. 

fTul. At least don't bawl. 

U7^q. Don't contradict. 

Jul. In fact, don't talk at all. 

ffof. Hush ! 

Una. " Let every wife recall what first enchanted, 
What grace, what look, what temper love inspired. 
You were his ideal once, and, take for granted, 
You will be still, if still what he admired." 

Urq. My notion, too. 

Jul. It's all the women's fault. 

Urq. We're not to blame. 

Jid. Not the least bit. 

Hoff. Halt ! 

Una. [Heads.] "For the men " — 
" To go in ' double harness ' is your pet 
Phrase for wedlock. Pray, don't forget 
T/iat means side by side, or better yet, 
A tandem ! One may lead, but both must strive, 
And neither, mark me ! neither one must drive." ! 



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